A leopard and her spots. . .

Have you ever heard the expression "A leopard can't change its spots?"  I've heard it.  I even heard it in a counseling session once.  It does make one ponder.  . . if I am a new creation in Christ, can I change my spots?  Should I try?  Let me elaborate.

I've been married to my wonderful husband for just two weeks shy of 14 years.  We've been together for 16.  Admittedly, we've been through 4 rounds of marriage counseling.  We call it "maintenance."  You would think by now, that we would have accepted some things about each other as part of our inherent nature - traits we've inherited from our parents or that we've developed over the years.  However, every now and then, truth rears its, for lack of a better term, ugly head.

I've never claimed to be the best housekeeper in the world.  Just the opposite, in fact.  My mother actually discouraged me from doing housework because I never met her standards.  (Enter tiny violin music).  Yes, we've all suffered from parental inadequacy syndrome from one time or another.  I've  seemed to let it linger.  Our home, more often than not, suffers from CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome).  It drives my husband crazy!  Part of the problem is we don't really have a place for everything.  We're trying to rectify that with the basement endeavor that has never really gotten off the ground.  The other problem is largely due to lack of priorities.  I can't own all of the responsibility, because I honestly believe it's the responsibility of all persons (even K's) to take care of the house.  Yet, I often fall into the trap of believing that I am solely to blame.

You see, the enemy is a tricky fellow.  1 Peter 5:8 tells us, "Be sober, be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking some one to devour."  [Revised Standard Version]  I believe that the enemy uses us against each other.  As a woman, as I believe all women fall in this category, I particularly fall prey to the lies that get whispered in my ear.  "You're never going to get it right."  "He's asking too much of you."  "You know you can't do that. . you can't change, overcome, satisfy, etc. . . . "  And, because of our human nature, we yearn to assign a human voice and face to that whisper of a lie.  So, we assign it to the person most likely to say it.  For me, it's my husband.  Oh, and how easy is it to believe that his anger and his frustration are truly targeted at my competency, or lack thereof, to accomplish any task.    The line is so thin, like walking on a piece of fine thread, that it's almost impossible to discern who or what to believe.

I admit it.  I avoid housework.  I dislike it very much.  I'll do it, but oftentimes I wait until I've pushed my own limits, and in the process, have far overstepped those of my husband.  I allow myself to get lost in my sewing projects and computer nonsense so avoid the painful truth that my house needs to be taken care of.  In essence, I become the failure and inadequate homemaker that the enemy has led me to believe I am.  And, in the process, I've seriously offended my husband.

So, how do I fight back,  especially, when the words that come from my spouse,  hurt like barbs shot from across the room?  I could give you the church answer.  And, many of you are already thinking that quotes from Scripture can soothe my injured spirit.  But, the truth is, words hurt.  I believe that tonight I heard, "I've been waiting for you to change and I've given up."  And, in giving up, he just leaves the mess to grow and for me to fix it and then when it's not fixed, he get angry. Have you ever felt that way?  It doesn't have to be in a marital relationship. It doesn't even have to be about housework.   It can happen in any kind of relationship, over anything.  You leave a little something to be dealt with later.  Someone puts something else on top of it.  The pattern continues and continues until one of you explodes and the other is left going "What happened?"  Words fly, feelings get hurt and then both are left wounded and searching for answers when the question that begs to be asked is, "What led to this?"

So, I'm left with my original question.  Can a leopard change her spots?  Sure, if you want to dye her hair.  But, what exactly are we trying to change about ourselves?  Lord knows that habits are hard to change and we all have a least 10 books on our shelves on how to get organized, study our Bible more or some way or another to get our act together.  I suppose it has to come from deep within.  It has to be God-driven.  It has to be prayer-driven.  And, we can't ask God to change anyone but ourselves.

But, let me make something clear -  I don't want to change my spots - the inherent characteristics that make me who I am.  But, there are habits that I want to change.  Most of which would make my husband a happier person.   The perplexing problem I face is which step to take first.  And, the steps I take are, let me rephrase, must, be baby steps.  Again, it has to be God-driven.  Yes, I want to please my husband.  But, ultimately, I must first please my Lord and Savior.  Oy!  Talk about stress.  Praise His Holy Name that His mercies are new every day.  And, my prayer is that someway, somehow, I will make some progress, despite myself and my CHAOS.  In the end, what's more important - a super-clean house or a balanced-life?  It's a no-brainer, in my eyes.  I must find balance.  I just know that a clean house has to be part of the equation.

How 'bout you?  Do you need to change something in your life?  If so, just be sure you aren't changing who you are - as Christ has defined you;  just don't go changing your spots.  =)

Zing!

I don't know about you, but I had to wait 30 years for my daughter.  I knew at the age of 6 that I was going to be a mom.  Little did I know, it was going to take a lifetime before God would give me that honor.

We tried for 2 years to conceive a child.   I'll spare you the ugly details, but it was a heartbreaking and trying process for both my husband and me.  Finally, in May of 2007, I found out I was pregnant, and without the aid of modern medicine.  :)  The entire family, including my two [step] kids (I really don't like that word, "step" - their my kids!) celebrated.

My daughter is going to be 5 in a few weeks. About a week after my husband and  I celebrate our birthdays.  During the last 7 years, if you include the time I was actively waiting for a plus sign on that home pregnancy test, I have learned the following:

• God is sovereign and His timing is perfect.
• Even when I'm ready to give up, He's not giving up on me.
• He is faithful and true to His promises.
• He loves us in an amount that cannot be measured.
• He uses our children to teach us, convict us and remind us of His ultimate authority and our responsibility to yield to it.

Sure, I could have learned all these things without becoming a parent.  Many have and do.  However, I believe (a) God made me wait until the age of 36 to have a child because He knew I wouldn't be ready until then and (b) He uses her to remind me of Himself and to get my act in gear.

In the past few weeks, K (as she will be referred to hereafter), has been insistent that we continue our study on the Fruit of the Spirit as given to us Galatians 5:22-23 of the New Testament.   We had previous covered the first 3, love, joy, and peace.  Little did I know that my procrastination would lead me to the fourth fruit, patience.  Yes, that stung a bit.  Let me elaborate.

As I have been trying to teach my soon-to-be 5 year-old to be patient when Daddy is at work for seven days at a time or for me to get her something to eat or for me to engage in a little pretend play (as Grandma to her baby dolls) - you know, the simple things - I've been dealing with my own impatience.  We've recently embarked on some home improvement projects, some of which were planned, others of which were unavoidable.  The chaos it has created and the desire for things to either get done or for us to just forget about it has created a certain amount of my own grumblings and whining and yes, pity parties.  I also started daydreaming about a new combination sewing/embroidery/quilting machine that costs way more than I can afford.  All this unhealthy wanting this and that and wanting it now or, for Pete's sake, just forget about it, is not a good quality to be modeling to my little girl.  And, tonight, God zinged me with out little devotional.

Here's the prayer we said together:

"Dear God,
I trust you and I know that you want me to wait patiently for your answers and your timing.  Help me to learn not to whine or cry when I don’t get my way.  Help me to show others what  it means to trust You by showing them how I patiently wait.
Amen."

Ouch!  As I heard her repeat that prayer after me, I felt the gentle hand of conviction reminding me that God is in control, His timing is perfect, and His desire is to meet my needs, not necessarily my wants.  

So, as I take a step back and ponder my current choices, I'm faced with some pretty important decisions.  Do I sit on the sidelines, pray my selfish prayers and have a  little temper tantrum every time I don't get my way?  Or, do I praise Him when I wake up, praise Him all the day long, and praise Him when I lay my head on my pillow, all the while, knowing He's in charge, He knows what I need and will provide it according to His will and timing.  My prayers will never been in vain as long as I truly seek Him in intimate fellowship where He can be glorified and then, I will be blessed.

I know my heart wants to follow where my mind is leading.  Or is it the other way around?  Either way, I can't get out of being reminded on a daily basis that God is an almighty, powerful and loving God and I have received more blessing than I could ever deserve. 

 All I have to do is look into my daughter's eyes and see her smile. 

Struggling to breathe. . .

Have you ever had a cold, asthma, or some type of upper respiratory illness? Well, I have recently developed some type of breathing problem. I'm not sure the root cause of the problem. I've surmised it might be the dust in my house (I'm allergic to dust mites), the dry air from running the heater or a possible illness. I know I feel better when I soak in the cool air from outside. But, that isn't practical on a regular basis. It could make me feel worse in the end.

I've been pondering how this correlates to my spiritual and emotional life. There is a band called Tenth Avenue North, and their latest album is entitled "The Struggle." Their music speaks to me on so many levels, but I won't bore you with the details. There are two songs that particularly speak to me right now. One, entitled "The Struggle," contains the following lyrics:

There's a wreckage, 

There's a fire

There's a weakness in my love

There's a hunger I can't control

Lord, I falter and I fall down

Then I hold on to the chains You broke

When You came and saved my soul

Save my soul

(Chorus)

Hallelujah

We are free to struggle

We're not struggling to be free

Your blood bought and

Makes us children

Children, drop your chains and sing

So why, Lord, do I still fail

Do I wear thin

Why do I still give in to temptation

On my own, I am bankrupt

I don't trust You or take You at Your word

What You've promised

Chorus

Hallelujah, death is overcome

And we are breathing

Hallelujah, our stone hearts become

Flesh that's beating

Hallelujah, chains have been undone

And we are singing

Hallelujah, the fire has begun

Can you feel it

(X2)

Chorus

The other song, "Worn,":

I'm tired 

I'm worn 

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

I know I need 

To lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin

I'm worn even before the day begins

I'm worn I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes 

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn

Though I'm worn 

Yeah I'm worn

Both of these songs speak to me because they say what I sometimes cannot. "Lord, 'I'm tired, I'm worn. .' I'm struggling to breathe!" It's so easy to make a New Year's Resolution and say "I'm going to read my Bible more" or "I'm going to . . . " you fill in the blank. Sometimes just getting out of bed is an accomplishment in and of itself! And, I have an almost five-year old to take care of!

The truth of the matter is that we all struggle. Some days are better than others. One day I'm ready to tackle the challenges on the road before me and the next I feel beaten down and yes, worn. I think we sometimes are afraid to admit that we, as Christians, feel just like non-Christians do. We feel pain, experience suffering, grief, depression and the gamut of emotions that we were made to feel. Jesus experienced all that we have, do and will experience. It's the primary reason He came to us as a lowly babe in a manger. To live among us and be able to tell us, "I get it. I've been there, too." But, He's done more than that. He's conquered it all - and has the power to guide us towards the right direction. The path where the air is clear and the burdens are light. Oh, how I long for a walk with my Jesus!

Only He can give us rest, just as the guys in Tenth Avenue North remind us in their songs. Though we struggle with all we have, even to the point of struggling to breathe, and He will not only give us rest and replace our heavy burdens with His yoke of peace, He will literally give us the very breath of life. He already has, you know. His Holy Spirit lives in those who have accepted Him as their Savior. He is that still small voice calling to us among the chaos. We, I, yearn to hear Him more clearly. I just need to take the time to listen.

Sometimes we all just need a little reminder and I guess my writing is my way of airing out what ails me and finding my own answers. I've always done that. Writing is cathartic. I just hope to those of you ready, you are somehow blessed by my ramblings. My only am is to encourage and edify - and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to and through me as He leads. It's been interesting so far. What do you think?

A little shot in the arm . . .

Isn't it like God to use a Facebook post with a picture to get your attention? Ironically, I was just talking to a dear friend about getting organized and acquiring some time-management skills. And, there it was - the answer (see picture).

It's not always about the latest app or organizing gadget or even the best tips on Pinterest. If our day is not permeated with God, in our comings and goings and everything in between, how much can we really accomplish?

Well, this chickadee is determined to get her act together. Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (ESV). He loves us so much that every day He gives us a "do over" and stands ready to help us start anew - over and over and over again until we get it.

That's just the kind of medicine I needed today. How 'bout you?

Just as I am. . ..

Have you ever heard the hymn "Just as I am?"  It goes like this:

Just as I am, without one plea,

But that Thy blood was shed for me,

And that Thou bid’st me come to Thee,

O Lamb of God, I come! I come!

Just as I am, and waiting not

To rid my soul of one dark blot;

To Thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come!

Just as I am, though tossed about

With many a conflict, many a doubt;

Fightings within, and fears without,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come!

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;

Sight, riches, healing of the mind;

Yes, all I need, in Thee to find,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come!

Just as I am, Thou wilt receive,

Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;

Because Thy promise I believe,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come!

Just as I am, Thy love unknown

Has broken every barrier down;

Now, to be Thine, yea, Thine alone,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come!

Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/1048#ixzz2HoOmBi3r

We often sing it without really thinking about it.  Well, I had the opportunity for the Lord to teach me what that really means.

We've been praying for our neighbor and his family for some time.  He and his wife, have become like second parents to us.  They have even told us they consider us family.  They come from a Catholic background and readily admit that church and religion aren't high on their list of priorities.  They have three children, a son, and two daughters,   I don't know much about the son and one of the daughters, except that they seem a bit distant from their family not only in distance, but emotionally as well.  Sure, they visit during the holidays, but the recent trials that the family has experienced has been an interesting test of their bonds.  As a matter of fact, they've sort of turned on the youngest daughter and mom in their hour of great need.

Mary, as I will refer to her, is a few years younger than I.  I knew we had some things in common as she had trouble conceiving as did I and that she had experienced divorce.  She does have a son who just turned 4 and the poor woman has had one heck of a year.  She divorced sometime before her son was 2, due to her husband's alcoholism among other things.  She then entered into a relationship with a high school friend, which then turned sour as he stole her credit cards, some personal property and sent her into bankruptcy.  He also also threatened her parents with all matter of things.  She finally ended the relationship, but is still dealing with the fallout from all of that.  Then, a couple of months ago, just as her ex-husband was getting his act together and they were reconciling, he unexpectedly died .  She and her son found him in his hotel room.  Talk about a tough time!  Good grief! I think that's an understatement!  During the last year, I had heard all manner of things about her bad choices, etc. from her parents.  And, as most do, I judged her. What else did I have but her parents' word?  Well, God showed me otherwise. . . 

Let me back up a second, here.  Our neighbor has been suffering from esophageal problems for over a year.  It culminated in a risky surgery when they found his esophagus encased in cement-like scar tissue (from his stomach being removed several years ago due to cancer) and they found new cancer cells this time around.  He was so worried about the surgery that he told her co-workers he wasn't coming back because he didn't think he'd make it through and survive.  As a matter of fact, when I first had the chance to tell him we were praying for him, he told me he hoped they (our prayers) didn't have to come into play.  I had the chance to explain to him that prayer didn't work like that and we were praying that everything went well!    Obviously, he came through, because I already described what they found. We had the opportunity to go visit him in the hospital in Indy.  It was well worth the trip!  Though the surprise visit was brief, the Lord impressed upon me to take a Gideon New Testament with me and continued to urge me to have my husband offer it to him.  He took it graciously and actually thumbed through it as we finished our visit.  He allowed us to pray with him and was genuinely grateful for our visit.  I'm praying that he continues to look through the Word and find some answers to the questions he ponders and hope in the face of his current despair.

As we pulled into the driveway, after our two-hour drive home, Mary pulled in next door at the same time. I felt the urging of the Holy Spirit to go talk to her and let her know we visited her father.  She was surprised and expressed gratitude.  Then, the Lord took over.  I engaged in a deeper conversation with her.  I explained to her that her parents had shared some of her trials with me and that I wanted her to know that she has our prayers as well and that we loved her and were there for her if she needed anything.  After all, the kids love to play together.  I was able to connect with her on a level I didn't expect.  I found myself sharing with her that "I get it"  and acknowledged that the grief she was experiencing is something I have experienced as well.  I'm still in a season of grieving (which I plan to explore later).  She began to tell me her story - in her own words - words that didn't exactly match up to that of her parents.  As the scales fell from my eyes, the burden I had for her grew.  She's just in need of someone who can share in her fears, tears, and grief.  She needs Someone to guide her and love her.  She let me pray with her and we both cried.  I repeatedly told her to let me help any way I could with babysitting, a play date for the kids or even just a shoulder to cry on.  It became crystal clear to me that she needed to be seen "just as [she is]."  And, I'm blessed that God allowed me to minister to her.

Don't we all just want to be accepted for who we are?  As we traverse the narrow path before us, and we stumble and stray, don't we just want someone to hold out their hand and say "let me help you up" or "what can I do to help you get back on track?"  How often to we feel like the man in the story of the Good Samaritan and are just lying there, barely breathing, praying for a kind word, someone to lift us up and help us walk again?  Whether we are feeling like the man who was beaten and left for dead or we're the one passing by the way, Jesus has asked us to see beyond the obvious, the easily distracting gossip and our preconceived notions and love everyone equally.  Doesn't He do that for us?  What a privilege it is to be reminded that each and every one of us needs to be be seen just as we are, "though tossed about, with many a conflict, many a doubt; Fightings within, and fears without, . . ."

Let's all take the challenge and see each other as Jesus sees us - and then, we face the next challenge - to see ourselves as Jesus sees us.  But that's for another day. . . . for that's the biggest challenge of all.

Perfect . . .

Saw this and felt led to share as it directly corresponds with my post.

Humbled - and then some. . .

As many of my dear friends have ventured publicly with their personal journeys of faith, I, too, have found the need to exhale, literally and figuratively.  I used to be quite the writer when I was young.  I attribute that gift to my marketing director of a father who also wrote professionally for Photography Magazine in the 1980's, as well as other publications during his lifetime.  He encouraged my love of the written word, both reading it and expressing myself through it.  I often found myself at odds with my high school English teachers because I refused to write in the "box-paragraph" fashion.  Praise God that my 8th grade English teacher, Mrs. Caines, encouraged me and I never gave up the fight.  However, if I were to get out those old journals and writing assignments, I think I'd find a totally different person in those words.  For, "the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17 [CEV]).  And, so, here I am, trying again, to pen (digitally ink?) my thoughts as I venture down the pathway of life.  Oh, what an interesting adventure this shall be!

I used to write dark stories, with interesting twists and turns.  It was a way for me to express my teen angst and depression.  Filled with similes and metaphors, I explored the deepest parts of my heart and soul and often found nothing but despair.  I don't remember when I stopped writing.  It may have been sometime before or after my dad's illness took a serious turn for the worse.  He lived with Lou Gehrig's disease for 8 long years.  I was 17 years old when he was diagnosed.  Talk about a life-changing event! I know I went through  a lot during those years, but that's for another post.

You see, I can no longer write the way I used to write.  While I may still maintain some form of the proverbial gift of gab, as my father would say, I don't write from the dark place of fear, despair, depression and hopelessness.  Don't get me wrong - I still feel those things.  But my reality is far cry from what I experienced - and believed to be reality - before I turned 25.

I'm going to turn 41 this month.  I have a husband, three children (2 [step]children, and an almost 5 year old) and 3 fur babies (my three cats).  I have suffered trial after trial after trial.  But, 15 years ago, my life changed forever.  I mean - CHANGED.  

Two significant events occurred 15 years ago.  The first being my father terminated life support on January 5, 1998.  It was a terrible loss for me as I was so close to my dad and I am so much like him.  It was probably one of the three most terrible days in my life.  

HOWEVER - 10 days prior to that, my life REALLY, and I mean REALLY changed.  I gave my life to Jesus.  I sat alone in my future-husband's parent's spare room, just after midnight on Christmas morning, and decided it was time to count the cost.  Cost?  What cost?  I had to decide if being a fourth generation Jewess was all it was cracked up to be.  I had to decide if my life was going to continue downhill or if the hope and life I saw offered to me through  my fiance and his family was worth giving up my heritage.  What would I lose?  My family?  It was already falling apart.  My dignity?  My independence?  My self-worth?  Did I even possess any of those things in any measurable amount?  What did my life as it was, have to offer me?  All I could think of was that there was something bigger than me out there.  Not just something, Someone, and that Someone loved me and was going to take care of me when my father breathed his last breath.  For years, I had been drawn to Him, never knowing what or how or why.  Yet, I knew I needed Him.  It was worth whatever "cost" I had to pay.  Whatever shunning, humiliation, heartache, and disapproval I was to face - it mattered not to me.  Why?   Because He could make me whole.  And, He did.

So, as I ponder why I titled my first entry "Humbled - and then some. . .," I realize that my life DID change.  And, I am ever so humbled to be able to call myself "Daughter of the Most High King."  I am humbled that despite myself, over the last 15 years, I have seen God use my past -  every wound, every dark place, every ounce of suffering - and allow me to pour myself out for Him.  I am beside myself with awe when I look at how far down I get in the mirey clay and wallow in my sorrows and I see Him use me to speak His truth into someone else's life in their time of need.  Regardless of what I feel or what clouds my thinking, His Holy Spirit works in me, teaches me, and reminds me of how much I've changed - of how He changed me.

So, maybe I shouldn't just say I'm humbled.  I think the better descriptive modifier would be BLESSED.

Will you join me on my journey?  Aren't you just a wee bit curious about me now?  I know I am!  I don't know where this will take me, but it can only be wherever He leads; and I intend to follow.