I. DO. EXIST

I don't know about you, but so many times, I wonder if my life matters.  Sure, I know I've won friends and influenced people, but to whom do I really matter?  How many times have I questioned myself, my motives and why I am here?  Haven't we all questioned?  Do we ever get an answer?  And, if we get one, did it really make us feel any better?

So many cliché thoughts come to mind.  "You are here for reason."  "Your family and friends depend on you."  "God has a purpose for your life."  It's so easy to recount them and to regurgitate them to others.  But, do these statements really reach that empty place deep inside us?  Do they fill that place where we desire acknowledgement, recognition and validation?  For a time, perhaps, but they do not soothe the deep yearning in our souls for a measure of our true worth.

This afternoon, I was speaking with my counselor and she asked me to explain to her my understanding of Divine Order.  I was quick to answer:  "God.  My husband.  My kids.  . . "  She stopped me before I could go any further.  "You left yourself out."  Huh?  That was an interesting statement.  I left myself out?  "When you left yourself out, it was like you didn't exist."  Oh, wow.  Something struck deep within me.  All I could say is "Wow."

So, how do you respond to such a statement?  First of all, it's not "just" a statement.  It's a revelation.  It reveals a very important omission in my thinking.  Mull it over. . .not only did I omit myself from the list of priorities, I omitted myself from existence!  Aren't we all prone to doing such a thing?  We think we need to put others first, so we don't include ourselves as part of the equation.  She said it again, "It was like you didn't exist."  Now, I won't go into the depths of my conversation with her, for we explored this subject for quite some time.  But, the crux of it all was this - my life matters - far more than I could or will ever fathom.

Think about it this way. . . God created all things, right?  ALL.  What does that mean?  ALL.  It's overwhelmingly inclusive.  There is nothing, no one thing, that does not have His fingerprints all over it.  Not only that, each of us was a forethought.  We didn't just appear by happenstance, though many would argue that fact.  God knew when we would make our appearance in His creation.  And, we didn't show up in the wrong generation, either.  He chose each of us for such a time as this.  He didn't choose my grandmother, my mother, my brother or my daughter.  He chose ME.  NOW.  In this time and place. God knew before He spoke the world into being that this day of my revelation and conviction would come.  He knew that I would finally be ready to receive the knowledge and power and strength that only comes through His Holy Spirit.  He chose to show Himself to me - today.

So, what exactly am I talking about?  Let me try to explain.  In all of creation, God has placed a Divine Order.  He set it before Adam and Eve in His beloved garden.  What exactly is His Divine Order?  God first, man as husband, and woman, as wife.  Then, children, family and all else follow suit.  You may be thinking to yourself at this point that this doesn't add up.  Life doesn't work that way!  No, it doesn't.  But that doesn't mean it's not designed to work that way.  Think about it, whom did God create in His image first?  Adam.  Who was created from the bone of Adam?  Eve.  God first, then man, then woman.   Not long after that, they were commissioned by God to take their place as stewards over all His creation.  Responsibility and accountability followed and they lived in harmony with God and each other.  But, then, the "terrible lie" set in and Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  We all know what happened, right?  Well, do we?  Do we really understand what we lost with that sinful bite? 

Not only did we lose our place in the garden, but we lost our identity.  Satan told Eve she would be like God and suddenly feeling unsure about what God really said, she took a bite of the forbidden fruit as she sought to find a new validation of herself.  And, with that bite, humankind lost sight of who it really was. 

You see, when the "terrible lie" entered into the world, humankind stopped caring about what life was like with God and started to look outward for significance.   Humankind turned to violence,  selfishness, and all manner of tactics to try to find meaning and purpose to life.  The story has not changed since that fateful day in the garden.  We still search outwardly for validation of our existence through any means necessary - addiction, people-pleasing, overcompensation and even bullying.  We hide from God in our depression, anger, condemnation and guilt.  None of those things bring glory to the very One who breathed life into our being.  Our very attempts to find our worth in other things only leave us empty, yearning and hollow.

"It was like you didn't exist."  Omitting myself from Divine Order revealed an error in my thinking.  As my counselor continued to explain this new concept to me, my mind went back to the church service this morning.  Our pastor wove his message into clips from the old classic movie, "It's A Wonderful Life."  While his message was potent and powerful, I considered what happened after George wished he had never been born.  Think about this with me for a moment.  George was in the presence of an angel when he made his wish.  After his wish was granted and all traces of his life were removed from existence, no one knew him.  In my mind, however, I was looking from a different angle, a different depth, if you will.  See if you can follow me. . . Not only did they not know him, they didn't see him.  If they had known him, they would have seen him in his struggles, in his pain.  Are you with me yet?  No one saw his worth, his impact, his potential.  No one saw him. . . but God did.  Ah.  Now do you see?  No one saw, but God.  God, the Father, the Creator of the universe and all within it, sees us.  He sees you. He sees me.  I do exist.  And, so do you.

In the darkest hours of night, in the deepest depths of our soul, God sees us.  We cannot hide from our Creator.  And, in all honesty, why do we want to?  Do we really escape our responsibility and accountability when we deny our own existence?  We were created with intent. We were created with purpose.  We were created to reflect the One that made us and bring Him honor and glory and praise.  How can I do that if I don't acknowledge myself in His Divine Order?  Not only do I exist, but I exist with purpose.  I have a place in God's Divine Order, and not just in my family, but to all who cross my path for God is glorified in me! My worth is not based on anything other than who I am in God.  John 14:20 says, ” In that day you will know that I am in My Father, you are in Me, and I am in you." (HCSB).  Not just Jesus in me, but me in Jesus!  Do you realize what that means???

I. DO. EXIST.  YOU. DO. EXIST.  We don't have to deny ourselves our true value and worth.  We don't have to pretend that we don't matter when we yearn for acknowledgement of our contribution to the world.  We DO matter.  We matter so much that God gave His only begotten Son to reclaim us, save us from eternal separation from Him.  If I was the only human on Earth, Jesus still would have given His life to restore me to my Father in Heaven.   Yes, I am that important.  And, I'm not going to pretend I'm not.

The world may look at me like I'm selfish, petty and a snob.  They have every right to their opinion.  But, I know who I am.  I am the Daughter of the Most High King.  I am  a Daughter of Zion,  a daughter of Sarah.  My life does matter.  My worth does not lie in the treasures of this world, save for the seeds I sow into those around me for the glory of my Father in Heaven.  I may not always get it right, as a matter of fact, I can promise you I won't.  Regardless, I don't need man's empty praise (or criticism for that matter) to help me find my worth.  I'll admit, it's nice to have it when it's genuine. But, in the end, what truly matters is that my Father SEES me as the beautiful life He created. . . one with value, purpose and calling.

He sees you as well.  The question is, do you see yourself?

Want to know more about my Jesus?  Click here to meet Him.

Christmas Time: A time of joy, laughter and. . . oh, who am I kidding?

It's that time of year again - where the sights and sounds resonate with echoes of Christmas.  Each corner you turn, every other Facebook post you see, almost every song you hear speaks about Christmas. 

Yet, the feeling does not resonate with me.  Each year, I try to catch the spirit of Christmas, but instead of catching the intended good vibes, I seem to catch a sickness.  Deep within me, my soul aches for the joy and laughter that comes with each decoration and string of lights.  Each gift bought should lighten my step as we approach the twenty-fifth of December, yet I am weighed down with each passing day.  While my family plots the location of the Christmas tree, I secretly wish that they'd come to the conclusion that there is no room.  Christmas is not my favorite time of year. 

No matter how I strive to "fake it till I feel it," the truth of the matter is I am crumbling inside.  Instead of the excitement of clearing the space to place decorations and presents, I mutter under my breath at the inconvenience and extra work load.  While I purchase gifts with good intentions, I harbor resentment for the expectation that gifts be exchanged.  This is the one time of year that we hear from certain people, seeking to bless us, and all I can think about is how we are conveniently forgotten throughout the other 11 months of the year.

Yes, the message is in the manger - in the Word made flesh - in the babe that would come to rescue us from the sin and darkness in which this world feels so comfortable wrapping itself.  Each symbol of Christmas can find meaning in the humble beginnings of the Christ child - the gifts of frankincense, gold and myrrh; the North Star that lead the magi through the desert; the tree that would eventually become the wood from which the cross would be built and upon which Christ would willingly give His life for mine.   All this and more give deeper meaning to the season and ideally would alleviate the pain and frustration that wells up inside as the first holiday display appears earlier and earlier every year.

But what is all this about, really?  While so many find satisfaction in this thing called Christmas, I find it hollow and lacking.  I know I can't be the only one that feels this way.  Yet, it's a very lonely place to live.  As much as I've grown over the last year and a half, this is one area in which I continue to struggle.  No, it's not because my husband travels over 200 days a year and our celebrations are often moved to an alternate day.  No, it's not just because I didn't grow up celebrating Christmas and instead went through the motions of celebrating the Feast of Hanukkah in a very secular sense.  The whole thing leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

Why does this holiday season seem to bring anger, depression and loneliness?  Why can I not find joy in the little preparations and celebrations that lead up to the "big day?"  I often recount the story of Ebeneezer Scrooge and how a visit from the spirits of Christmas past, present and future altered the very nature of his heart and the cold, dark lump that once lay within his chest was transformed into a something warm and alive, yearning  to love and be loved.  Even Elsa, who's cold gift caused her to retreat within herself, found that a "act of true love" could melt her frozen heart.  So, why not me?

I hear the Scripture tell me that the very Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me and because of that, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength  for God has said to me that His grace is sufficient as His strength is made perfect in my weakness.   I know that Mary contemplated all the things that God had showed her about her future son and I cannot imagine what she felt and knew as she walked by faith and not by sight.

It's all well and good.  My mind knows so many things.  My eyes see that much more.  But, my heart does not follow suit.  When does it change?  Eighteen months of intense counseling, major breakthroughs and revelation and I still sit here feeling more anger than joy, more empty than full and ever so weak instead of strong in the Lord.

With whom can I be real? Is there no one that I can share this with?  Even the thought of picking up the phone to my counselor brings pain.  I feel guilty sharing with my friends whom I know can relate.  As they battle their own difficulties,  I feel as if I add an extra measure of chaos into their lives as I reach out for comfort and counsel.  In all reality, I know that those who are close probably don't feel as repulsed by my struggles as I do, but still, I often cry while my child looks on, confused and anxious because her momma can't tell her why she's shedding tears.

"Let go. . give it to God."  Sometimes such as trite and meaningless statement.  I know what the Scriptures say.  I've leaned on them.  But for some reason, this particular season seems to test my faith in ways I can't describe.  My anger is targeted at my animals, my daughter, the housework - you name it, it all incites me to rage and  borderline violence.  Instead, the rage turns inward, tearing at the very fiber of my being, so physical in nature that I have kicked cabinets, banged my head against doors and dug my nails so deep into my skin that I drew blood.

Oh, we Christians don't talk about these things.  Violence doesn't become us.  Even as Jesus threw tables and hurled objects in the temple, His Righteous anger makes mine look petty and foolish.

Oh, foolish heart, how fickle you are.  Torn apart so easily by the ebb and flow of life.  As I stand on the shore, watching the reflection of the sun on the water (in my mind's eye, of course), I ponder the reflection I see of myself.  Do I reflect the dark and fallen world I struggle to live in or do I reflect the Son who came to save it?  It is true, what Peter said in 1 Peter 2:10-11:

"for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY. Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul. Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may because of your good deeds, as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation." (NASB)

I am a stranger, an alien, a foreigner in a land to which I no longer belong.  "The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you." John 15:19 (NLT).  How easy it is to forget.   And, the verse before that reminds me that "If the world hates you, remember that it hated me [Jesus] first." John 15:18 (NLT).

As I finish typing, I smile weakly to myself how writing is so cathartic, revealing and liberating.  God speaks to me through my tears, through my caustic words and thoughts, and still brings me back to His Word, THE Word, Jesus.  While the pain does not dissipate quickly, I am reminded that the blessing is in the journey, not just at the end of it.  We often don't see the forest for the trees, but when we persevere, the outcome can be glorious.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll survive Christmas this year.  And perhaps, I'll even enjoy it. :)