Do you trust Me?

Over the weekend, my family and I were visiting an indoor water park.  While we are a blended family of five, two of my children live out of state and have for the majority of their lives.  So, when my husband and I take our youngest daughter to do something, it's usually just the three of us.  Per the usual fashion, we catered most of our visit to our eight-year old's interests, however, this time, we encouraged her to overcome her fear of the larger water slides.  You may laugh at this, and it has it's humorous elements to it, but as I sit and reflect on what really happened on this visit, I see things in a different light.

First, my husband and I ventured to the top of the tall platform to ride the "water coaster," while our daughter waited for us at the bottom.   Just as it sounds, the ride is a fast-moving ride where you and one or two of your close friends and /or relatives sit back in an oblong raft and zoom down an enclosed tube.  You can hear what can be construed as both screams of terror and/or delight echoing down the tube and throughout the facility.  I,  myself, admit my screams are a combination of the two emotions, but find that I truly enjoy the thrill.  

On the other side of the platform, there is a family raft ride.  Up to five people can sit in the circular flotation device and it, too, slightly twists and turns as the water carries you down an enclosed tube.  My husband and I noticed there were many smaller children, toddlers, in fact, that were riding this particular attraction.  We talked with a lady in line, who happened to be a lifeguard and confirmed the innocuous nature of the ride, and decided since our little girl had just gone down the regular tube ride with Daddy, she would really like this raft idea.  (Key foreboding music here.)

As you can probably imagine, things did not go as we had hoped.  Not only did we fail to factor in to account that she had literally just overcome her fear of the taller slides, we did not consider the truth of her condition:  she was scared out of her mind.  We're not talking excited-scared, here, either.  We are talking full-scale meltdown scared.  Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I went down the ride without her and Daddy walked his little girl down the three flights of stairs.  We'll try again tomorrow.

Well, the day began with some adventure (albeit frustrating) as we played a game that has you running to and fro throughout the hotel.  Finally, after we had defeated the dragon and won the gold (don't ask), we found ourselves back in the water park, splashing in the wave pool, and gearing up for helping our daughter conquer her fear for once and for all.  

When she finally got up the courage, what little she had at the moment, to go up to the platform, fear griped her again as she reached the platform.  While I tried to encourage her with 2 Timothy 3:17, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline," little could be done to calm her. All the coaxing and promises of gift shop goodies could not take this overwhelming fear away from my daughter.  She took a step into the raft and literally panicked, to the point of screaming.  A mixture of anger, resentment as well as concern took hold of me as I watched the same emotions rise up in my husband.  And as the three of us walked down the stairs together, all my precious daughter could say to us was "I'm sorry."  Over and over and over again.   

My husband took a seat in order to calm down and sent me and my daughter to the wave pool.  At first, I tried to reason with her, assure her that although disappointed, we weren't mad.  I recalled our moments on the platform, both of us looking into her eyes as they darted back and forth, asking her if she trusted us, trusted that we wouldn't hurt her or put her in harm's way.  That we would be sitting right next to her, holding her hand and sticking with her every moment of the way.  Yet, all of that rhetoric didn't resonate with her. the bottom line was that she didn't trust us and she was terrified. For the next few moments, while we were in that wave pool, I sought the Lord for wisdom and peace in the situation.  I put my arms around my baby girl and held her as she put her head on my shoulder and listened to me pray.   All of the sudden, I felt the Lord say to me, "you are asking of her the same thing I have asked of you, and what has your response been?"  A flood of compassion crashed over me along with the waves as I realized what this whole ordeal was really about.

Let me back up a half-a-second.  Two days before, I had a panic attack as well.  The details don't matter, but the crux of the lesson does.  When we come to a place of healing, we often think we have done all we need to do.  However, the journey never ends as we are refined and refocused as God reshapes us in to a new creation.  Our strength is not in ourselves and our high-minded thinking that we have overcome on our own, but from the very Spirit of God that inhabits us.  And, as we walk in our flesh and lean on our own understanding, we find ourselves face to face with situations we thought we could handle, yet they end up handling us and we are left a hot mess.  

Somewhere along the way, we lost our trust.  Trust in the process, trust in others, trust in God, and, we put too much trust in ourselves and our own abilities.  What is this thing called "trust?"  Again, I turn to Professor Google for our definition:  "firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something."  Don't we all say that trust is to be earned, not given?   Once a trust is broken, most of us have a heck of a time giving it out again.   We could argue the inherency of trust, but that will not be of any benefit, since both you and I know that regardless of where we learn the validity of trust, it can easily be broken and often times is at the heart of many of our relational issues.

You see, here is the reality:  crippling fear is not of the Lord.  You and I know what the Scripture says.  We know that there are varying levels of fear and that there are healthy fears that keep us from doing things that harm us, as well as reverent fear of the Lord.  But, herein lies the problem - how do we know the difference?  How can we trust that our fear will give us the boundaries of safety that we are looking for?  Scripture after Scripture encourages us to trust in the Lord.  A quick search reveals 59 references to trusting (or not trusting) in the Lord.  The most recited perhaps is Proverbs 3:5, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding."

My daughter trusted in what her eyes and ears were telling her.  She saw and heard the rushing water at the beginning of the ride.  She saw a large flotation device swallowed up by a big blue tunnel and she couldn't see what was ahead of her.  She assumed that the rest of the ride was fast and bumpy and regardless of what anyone told her to the contrary, she could not trust what was being said to her.  How many times have the eyes in your head contradicted the eyes of your heart and convinced you that whatever God was asking you to do, that you could not trust Him for the outcome?  We lean into our emotions and allow them to tell us what is truth and what can and cannot be trusted.  I hate to break it to you, but our emotions are probably the one thing we have that we can absolutely NOT trust!  Emotions lead us into temptation, wrong thinking, sinful choices and devastating consequences.  We must learn to trust the Word of God.  Jesus, the Word made flesh, who knows us by our names.  Scripture tells us over and over again that those who trust in the Lord will find their peace, their prosperity, their victory and their joy:  

Psalm 37:3:  Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.

Proverbs 16:20:  Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the Lord will be joyful.

Isaiah 12:2:  See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.”

Jeremiah 17:7: But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.

Trust is the key to possessing our blessings.  We must first trust the one that holds them in His hands as knowing what is best for us.  As I have shared before, "Trust + Obedience = Blessing."  It's the formula for success.

So, you may be wondering about the outcome of all this as it relates to the water-park adventure.  Well, about half-way through the day, donning a life-jacket and after a threat to go down in the raft or if we go down the stairs, we go home, my daughter went down the family raft ride with us. And, on the way out of the park, our last ride was. . . you guess it!  The family raft ride!  I even caught her smiling a few times (in between the gentle dips and turns down the chute).    You see, in the end, she did trust us after all, even if it was under a bit of slight duress, and she was victorious over her fear.

Yet, in the end, the bigger lesson learned was mine.  I now see how much I lean on my own strength and understanding and how misleading they can be.  I need to trust in the Truth because in the Truth, I find my liberty.  And when I walk in liberty, I have the freedom to follow God with joy in my heart and assuredness (a.k.a. "trust") in His plan for my  life.

John 8:32:  "Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings.  And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."    

Answering the right call. . . .

A phone call, a text, an email, a face-to-face encounter.  It can happen at any time.  We're always being asked to do something.  More often than not, we answer quickly, not taking into consideration the pros and cons, the blessings versus the possible fall out of accepting the task (i.e., responsibility) we've been asked to assume.  And, we've all heard what the word "assume" can stand for. . . . but, I won't go there. :)

We all want to feel like we're contributing.  However, have we ever really thought about what our contribution is supposed to be?  We jump at the chance to serve, assist, "fix" and placate situations.  But, have we really been called to that situation and purpose?

Recognizing the difference between your calling and your what you think you're called to do can be a challenging task.  The process of evaluating your time, your resources, your talents and gifts, and whether or not you are making good use of all those things can (a) be convicting and liberating, causing growth and the development of boundaries or (b) be difficult and aggravating, causing one to doubt oneself and try to do it all in an effort to compensate for something lacking,  or, as often is the case, just cut and run away from it all.

As you can probably tell, I've been in all those scenarios.  At different stages of my life, I've accepted the conviction and made the changes, and at others, I've just dove deeper until all my emotions were buried with the activity.  I've also just quit . . . and at the most inappropriate times.

I am in a season where change is on the horizon.  God is moving in my life and I'm seeing a new environment take place around me.  New church (well,  sort of. . a little over a year. . ), new friendships, new responsibilities and new challenges!  I don't always take the high road when it comes to dealing with all my "stuff," but that is changing as well.   All this to say that somehow, I've decided to stay in circumstances or situations where it would be so much easier to quit!

So, why do I stay, anyway?  I'm overbooked, overtired, overstressed, overcommitted and yet, I still keep on keeping on.  The truth?  I feel like I have to do it.  I've got that terrible condition commonly known as pride - overconfidence in myself and not enough confidence in everyone else.  And, I hate to say "no."

We've all been there - elated to be in the moment, seeing the light we bring to those we interact with and serve.  It's the driving source for a lot of us - that end product, end result, that euphoric feeling that seems to tell us it's all worthwhile.

Then, the next time that circumstance or activity comes around, one of two scenarios unfolds.   The first is as it should be: focus in the preparation, joy in the research and satisfaction that the job is or will be done well.  Yet, there is that other side of the coin . . .

I know you've been there.  Anxiety, anger, frustration, distraction. .. it seems like nothing is getting done, let alone the one task you embarked upon.  But, there is something driving you on to complete it any way, regardless of how late you stay up or how many times you have to reinstall the printer software. . . .

So, what is the difference?  Can both scenarios be born out of a true calling on our lives?  Could both be one of our choosing or could it be that only one of those is truly where we're supposed to be?

The line is often blurred because stress can be an incredible motivator, if, however, it's the right kind of stress.  Right kind of stress?  What do I mean?  Well, good stress moves you towards challenges that will refine you, grow you, teach you.  Bad stress. . . well, results in bad outcomes.  Physical, mental and emotional exhaustion, not to mention wasted time and money along with a myriad of other resources that may have been employed to get that one last thing finished. . .

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that all negative situations are necessarily bad and not within the scope of your calling.  However, that being said, I would ask you to consider that so many of the things we believe we are "called" to do  are merely the things we choose to do in rebellion against that which we should be doing.  Clear as mud?  I thought so, too.

I believe each of us has a calling - a God calling on our lives.  We probably have more than one, and when they are revealed, we must prioritize them (more on that in a future post).  What I am learning is that not all things I love to do are my calling and not all things I am called to do are things that I love.  That's a real dilemma, in my eyes.  It's a war between the two kingdoms, the Kingdom of Light and the Kingdom of Darkness.  I want to love my calling.  I want what God wants in and for my life.  The problem I run into is that my self-righteous pride gets in the way and causes me much more heartache and stress that is necessary.  Sometimes I "just don't wanna" do what I'm supposed to do.  I've always got something else I'd rather be doing.  But, if I truly want to honor God and the calling(s) He's placed on my life, I've got some growing up to do!  I need to stop relying on my own laurels (or lack thereof) and trust that God has the best in store for me regardless of how I perceive it.  You've heard that old adage, "if He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it?"  Well, there may be something to that.

Our calling should be one that bears the Fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self control (Galatians 5:22-23).  If it brings us anxiety, stress, anger, bitterness, frustration or the like, we might just be doing it our way and not God's (there's a high probability of that!)!

"Therefore, brothers, try even harder to make your being called and chosen a certainty. For if you keep doing this, you will never stumble. Thus you will be generously supplied with everything you need to enter the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Deliverer, Yeshua the Messiah." (2 Peter 1:10, Complete Jewish Bible)

Even when we are uncertain, we can seek out the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and ask for peace and clarity.  God's calling isn't supposed to be stressful!  Challenging?  Yes!  Stretching?  Yes!  But, stressful to the point of causing you to be so distracted and caught up in it all that you can't see the forest for the trees?  Not at all!

We won't always understand our calling right away.  As a matter of fact, I've had to ask God to help me understand a few things.  By His grace, I have begun to understand more as of late than in times past.  God doesn't owe me an explanation, though, and if I have to follow in blind obedience, then so be it.  After all, we do walk by faith and not by sight, don't we? (2 Corinthians 5:7)

So, the time has come to ask ourselves, is what I am doing what I am truly called by God to do or do I just think I've been called?  Even if they are all good things, there is a time and a place for us to be involved.  We don't have to do it all.  God will bring the right person to that position when we are obedient, lay down our pride and walk away.  It may not become evident right away, but seek God and trust Him to reveal His perfect plan, in His perfect timing.  He knows what He's doing.  And the cool thing about that is we don't have to know.  We just have to trust and obey.

Paul  said it more than once, and if anyone knew about being called, Paul did:

"Therefore I, the prisoner united with the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called. (Ephesians 4:1, Complete Jewish Bible, emphasis mine)

"Therefore, from the day we heard of it, we have not stopped praying for you, asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will in all the wisdom and understanding which the Spirit gives; so that you may live lives worthy of the Lord and entirely pleasing to him, being fruitful in every good work and multiplying in the full knowledge of God. We pray that you will be continually strengthened with all the power that comes from his glorious might; so that you will be able to persevere and be patient in any situation, joyfully giving thanks to the Father for having made you fit to share in the inheritance of his people in the light. He has rescued us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son." (Colossians 1:9-13, Complete Jewish Bible, emphasis mine)

And don't forget, God doesn't just call the equipped.  He equips the called.  There are so many examples of this truth in the Word - Moses, Rahab, Esther, David, and all the Disciples, just to mention a few.  We are all unworthy.  Instead of being so hard on ourselves, perhaps it's time to take a look in the mirror and ask God to show us what He sees.  Chance are we'll like His view better than our own.  

Christmas Time: A time of joy, laughter and. . . oh, who am I kidding?

It's that time of year again - where the sights and sounds resonate with echoes of Christmas.  Each corner you turn, every other Facebook post you see, almost every song you hear speaks about Christmas. 

Yet, the feeling does not resonate with me.  Each year, I try to catch the spirit of Christmas, but instead of catching the intended good vibes, I seem to catch a sickness.  Deep within me, my soul aches for the joy and laughter that comes with each decoration and string of lights.  Each gift bought should lighten my step as we approach the twenty-fifth of December, yet I am weighed down with each passing day.  While my family plots the location of the Christmas tree, I secretly wish that they'd come to the conclusion that there is no room.  Christmas is not my favorite time of year. 

No matter how I strive to "fake it till I feel it," the truth of the matter is I am crumbling inside.  Instead of the excitement of clearing the space to place decorations and presents, I mutter under my breath at the inconvenience and extra work load.  While I purchase gifts with good intentions, I harbor resentment for the expectation that gifts be exchanged.  This is the one time of year that we hear from certain people, seeking to bless us, and all I can think about is how we are conveniently forgotten throughout the other 11 months of the year.

Yes, the message is in the manger - in the Word made flesh - in the babe that would come to rescue us from the sin and darkness in which this world feels so comfortable wrapping itself.  Each symbol of Christmas can find meaning in the humble beginnings of the Christ child - the gifts of frankincense, gold and myrrh; the North Star that lead the magi through the desert; the tree that would eventually become the wood from which the cross would be built and upon which Christ would willingly give His life for mine.   All this and more give deeper meaning to the season and ideally would alleviate the pain and frustration that wells up inside as the first holiday display appears earlier and earlier every year.

But what is all this about, really?  While so many find satisfaction in this thing called Christmas, I find it hollow and lacking.  I know I can't be the only one that feels this way.  Yet, it's a very lonely place to live.  As much as I've grown over the last year and a half, this is one area in which I continue to struggle.  No, it's not because my husband travels over 200 days a year and our celebrations are often moved to an alternate day.  No, it's not just because I didn't grow up celebrating Christmas and instead went through the motions of celebrating the Feast of Hanukkah in a very secular sense.  The whole thing leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

Why does this holiday season seem to bring anger, depression and loneliness?  Why can I not find joy in the little preparations and celebrations that lead up to the "big day?"  I often recount the story of Ebeneezer Scrooge and how a visit from the spirits of Christmas past, present and future altered the very nature of his heart and the cold, dark lump that once lay within his chest was transformed into a something warm and alive, yearning  to love and be loved.  Even Elsa, who's cold gift caused her to retreat within herself, found that a "act of true love" could melt her frozen heart.  So, why not me?

I hear the Scripture tell me that the very Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me and because of that, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength  for God has said to me that His grace is sufficient as His strength is made perfect in my weakness.   I know that Mary contemplated all the things that God had showed her about her future son and I cannot imagine what she felt and knew as she walked by faith and not by sight.

It's all well and good.  My mind knows so many things.  My eyes see that much more.  But, my heart does not follow suit.  When does it change?  Eighteen months of intense counseling, major breakthroughs and revelation and I still sit here feeling more anger than joy, more empty than full and ever so weak instead of strong in the Lord.

With whom can I be real? Is there no one that I can share this with?  Even the thought of picking up the phone to my counselor brings pain.  I feel guilty sharing with my friends whom I know can relate.  As they battle their own difficulties,  I feel as if I add an extra measure of chaos into their lives as I reach out for comfort and counsel.  In all reality, I know that those who are close probably don't feel as repulsed by my struggles as I do, but still, I often cry while my child looks on, confused and anxious because her momma can't tell her why she's shedding tears.

"Let go. . give it to God."  Sometimes such as trite and meaningless statement.  I know what the Scriptures say.  I've leaned on them.  But for some reason, this particular season seems to test my faith in ways I can't describe.  My anger is targeted at my animals, my daughter, the housework - you name it, it all incites me to rage and  borderline violence.  Instead, the rage turns inward, tearing at the very fiber of my being, so physical in nature that I have kicked cabinets, banged my head against doors and dug my nails so deep into my skin that I drew blood.

Oh, we Christians don't talk about these things.  Violence doesn't become us.  Even as Jesus threw tables and hurled objects in the temple, His Righteous anger makes mine look petty and foolish.

Oh, foolish heart, how fickle you are.  Torn apart so easily by the ebb and flow of life.  As I stand on the shore, watching the reflection of the sun on the water (in my mind's eye, of course), I ponder the reflection I see of myself.  Do I reflect the dark and fallen world I struggle to live in or do I reflect the Son who came to save it?  It is true, what Peter said in 1 Peter 2:10-11:

"for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY. Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul. Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may because of your good deeds, as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation." (NASB)

I am a stranger, an alien, a foreigner in a land to which I no longer belong.  "The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you." John 15:19 (NLT).  How easy it is to forget.   And, the verse before that reminds me that "If the world hates you, remember that it hated me [Jesus] first." John 15:18 (NLT).

As I finish typing, I smile weakly to myself how writing is so cathartic, revealing and liberating.  God speaks to me through my tears, through my caustic words and thoughts, and still brings me back to His Word, THE Word, Jesus.  While the pain does not dissipate quickly, I am reminded that the blessing is in the journey, not just at the end of it.  We often don't see the forest for the trees, but when we persevere, the outcome can be glorious.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll survive Christmas this year.  And perhaps, I'll even enjoy it. :)