Even in despair, God speaks.

When I was in the seventh grade, I had terrible writer’s block for an English assignment.  My dad was trying to help me through it and got so frustrated that he had to walk away.  Still, he came back and while I was still mad, he told me that I just needed to start writing and eventually the words would come. His advice has stuck with me through all these years.  And, so, here I am, doing just that - just writing. I don't know where this is going, but thanks for coming along for the ride.

It’s not that I have writer’s block, per se; it’s more like I have “life” block.  I feel stuck.  I feel overwhelmed, depressed and oppressed.  I don’t like who I am, who I’ve been or where I’m going.  I don’t even know where I’m going.  I’ve lost my drive, my dreams, my passion and my way.

It’s not easy for a Christian who has written blogs of encouragement to admit she is struggling so deeply.  It feels quite hypocritical.  I feel like everything I say I stand for has given way to the dark reality of where I’m really at.  I stuff my feelings behind a façade of confidence and strength.  The truth is, I’m crumbling inside and my anxiety is through the roof.  Tonight, I let the tears flow, but most of the time, I stop myself.  I don’t want anyone to see me hurting, but the pain inside of me eats at me all the time and I'm sure that it shows.  I feel I’ve lost touch with God.  I cry out to Him, but I don’t feel like I’m worth hearing.  Even as I type that, I know it’s a lie.  But, somehow that lie has become extremely loud.  

There are so many places I feel like a failure, especially when I use the lens of comparison.  I could elaborate, but that feels a little too raw right now.  I know comparison is the thief of joy and joy is yet another thing I've lost.  I don’t have discipline.  I'm not motivated.  I don’t have structure.  The  list goes on.

Even knowing I’m a child of God, I feel ”less than.”  I hate the things I hear in my head.  I hate that I don’t have the strength and faith to press in to Him.  Oh, me of little faith.  I have faith enough for others, but not for myself. 

It’s hard to even reach out for prayer.  I feel so lost and hopeless.  It’s ironic, isn’t it?  Despite all the writings I’ve published on my blog, I am the last to feel encouraged.  Such a hypocrite.  Such a fraud. 

 Yet, the Spirit says write…..

Here Me, My Daughter.

I AM with you.  You are not as alone as you feel.  You don’t need anyone or anything else but Me.  I AM the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  Stop fighting Me.  Stop trying to “fix, manage and control” everything in your own life and in others’.  That’s not your job.  Your job is to sUrrENDer.  Remember that word?  You’ve been resisting Me for long enough.  You are listening to the wrong voices.  Hear only MY voice.  I AM the one calling to you in the distance.  If you would be still long enough, if you would quiet your mind long enough, and  turn your heart towards Me, you would hear My voice.  Remember, I AM not in the chaos; I AM in the whisper.  Breaking is part of My process.  Yet, you have resisted and it has become more painful that it needs to be.  Why don’t you trust Me?  I AM the only One who is trustworthy and true.  I have the balm to heal your deepest wounds and the scalpel to cut away the hard parts of your heart.  sUrrENDer.  How much longer will you suffer at your own hand?  I desire to heal you, cleanse you, make you new.  I can’t do that if you resist Me. I want ALL of your heart, not just pieces.  What is it that you fear the most?  Give Me that fear.  I have not given you a spirit of fear and timidity, but I have given you a spirit of power, love and a sound mind.  I will not make you do anything, but I ask you to yield yourself to Me.  I have never left you nor forsaken  you.  I AM with you always, in every trial and every triumph.  Do you remember the formula I gave you?  Trust + Obedience = Blessing.  I know you feel your faith is small.  But you know that all I require is a little faith – the size of a mustard seed.  Stop leaning on your own understanding and press into Me for My revelation.  Continue to talk to Me in prayer, bringing Me a spirit of gratitude.  I know that feels insurmountable right now, so find Me in the little things for I AM there, too.  I know you feel like a complete failure, but remember that I can work all things for good for those that love Me.  I know you love Me.  Let Me love you.  I created you for a purpose, for a time such as this and have called you to walk in that purpose.  The enemy wants nothing more than to see you give up.  But, that is not an option. Remember the Scriptures I strung together for you a few years ago? 

“I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me for He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in [your] weakness' because the same Spirit of Him that raised up Jesus from the dead lives in me.”

My Spirit, the Holy Spirit, dwells in you.  He intercedes for you when you don’t know what or how to pray.  He guides you even in your distress.  Let His voice be loudest in your head. Let My voice speak to you from the pages you find hard to read right now.  I will help you focus. . . I just need you to try a little harder.  Release your pain to Me and I will show you how to be free. I will order your days, guide your steps and calm your heart if you let Me.  I stand at the door and knock. . .it’s up to you to let Me in.

 

Even in the depths of despair, God speaks.  When I sat down to write, I had no idea where it would go.  Perhaps it would just be an outlet for my tears, a written release of my pent up emotions.  Perhaps I would write out all the things that are troubling me, causing me to stumble.  In a way, I wanted to just argue with God and tell Him all the things I couldn't stand about myself.

Instead, the Spirit took over and spoke directly to me.  I pray He is speaking to you, too.  May each day bring new revelation and blessings to each of us.  May we seek to love Him with all our hearts, souls and minds.  Above all, let our hearts be receptive to the love He so freely offers us and paid the ultimate price for us to receive.

The Broken Wing Act

It’s been awhile since I’ve written (ok, a long while!).  It’s not that I haven’t had any deep thoughts that might be worth sharing.  I just have been in a weird place.  I’m praying this may be the beginning of coming out of it.

We recently moved to a new house.  A mere three and a half miles from our previous home, you’d think we might have moved to another city.  It’s not because things are unfamiliar. As a matter of fact, our surroundings by and large have not changed.  Our connections for the most part are the same. We might be shopping at a different grocery store location, but we’re still within the confines of the area we have always lived.  Yet, things are different.

Our new home is significantly bigger than the old one.  Sixteen years of memories have given way to the opportunity for new ones.  Of course, we’ve been quarantined during much of this time, but the blessings are springing up all around us.  New neighbors, new home with breathing room (my own space to craft and get away, maybe even write more!) as well as a new view.

At our previous house, the view we preferred was out the back windows.  Fifty acres of land went largely unused for the majority of the time we lived there.  Cows grazed the fields for the first ten or so years, in addition to wildlife such as deer, turkeys, coyotes, racoons, and various types of birds.  The Lord spoke to me often through that view.  And, now, my view has changed.  I now look out the front of my home for the better scenery.

While the house faces a main roadway, the view on the other side is of a beautiful farm, complete with horses and possibly a few cows.  As the front of the house faces west, the sunsets are spectacular.  Yet, as I prepare to share my latest insight, I realize it is not through the greater view that I received my revelation, but rather, the closer, more detailed one – the one right in my front yard.

It was on one of my morning walks with my dogs, I noticed a variety of bird I had never seen before.  It was flailing its wings as if it was injured.  I watched with interest, as did the pups, as this bird flapped its wings and chirped, if that is what you can call it.  I turned to walk away and to my surprise, the bird got up and scurried away on its feet as if nothing was wrong.  I did a double-take, and it was again on the ground, flapping and chirping, until we were a little further out and it hopped back on its feet again.  With my curiosity piqued, I immediately set to researching this bird.  

Of course, it didn’t take long to discover this species of bird is called a Killdeer, named so for the apparent call that sounds like “keel-deer” (although I don’t think it sounds like that at all).  A unique characteristic of this bird is the spectacle I observed called “the wounded bird act.”  As a way to protect its young, the mother bird will draw predators away by putting on this so-called “act.”  Knowing that, I realized just how successful this little creature was at drawing my (and the dogs') attention away from the two little baby birds who happened to have hatched from the nest in my globe blue spruce.  Fascinated, I begun to look for this little bird family each time I left my house, whether to walk the dogs, get the mail or drive somewhere.  I believe I read that the babies need 40 days with their parents before they can fly.  Of course, the number “40” is in and of itself significant in the Bible, but that’s not so much where the Lord drew my focus.  Let me explain.

There are many references in the Bible regarding the protection of the Lord.  I immediately recall Psalm 91:4, which says, “He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection” (NLT).   The imagery we often draw is of a mother bird sheltering her young with her wings, or, as I have observed the killdeer do, completely hide them by using her whole body (she sits on them!).  But, there is another image to which I am drawn while considering the ways God has wired this bird to protect her young.

The goal of the "broken wing" act is to draw the attention of the predator away from the vulnerable babies.  Could it be that the Cross is the very thing that draws our attention away from our own vulnerabilities?  Oftentimes, we are our own worst enemies.  Our flesh wrestles against our spirit. The latter half of Matthew 26:41 tells us to “For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!” (NLT) We focus on our lack, on our past failures, on our strongholds, on our weaknesses and never move forward into victory.  But, if we look to the Cross, and remember that by His stripes we are healed (Isa. 53:5) and that we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony (Rev. 12:11), we can be free.  We look to the Cross for our salvation.  Is it not our focus on our vulnerability that trips us up and keeps us in bondage?  

Because, on the flip side, we know that the enemy's goal to draw our eyes away from our Savior and bring our focus on all the things things we lack and suffer from - what we can't do, what we have done wrong, who we aren't, what and who we have lost.  Hopelessness creeps in and we too easily forget who we are in Christ and all He has done for us and in us.

But, looking for through the lens of the Word, the broken wing act is not an act at all, but rather the truth on which we must stand.  It is Christ’s wounds that reminds the enemy that he has been defeated.  His wounds must remind us of Who He is and who we are in Him.  It is essential for us to remember that the enemy has been defeated. Christ's death drew the enemy's focus away from us and to the Cross, where he thought he had won.  Instead, through Christ's resurrection, the victory is ours as well.

Each day, whether the threat is real or perceived, the momma bird drew my attention away from her precious young.  We, too, must look daily to the Cross to receive our hope and strength to move forward. Our threat is very real, for we not only do we battle ourselves, but the enemy wages war with us as well (Eph. 6:12).

No one said it is easy. The Lord knows I have a lot of work to do in my own life.  This quarantine has been challenging for me and I have struggled to embrace the lessons God is teaching me.  Depression has tried to be my companion during this time of "healthy at home."  Thanks to Momma Killdeer, I think I’m starting to see things a bit differently and each time I watch her feign her broken wing, I will be reminded of Christ and the price He paid for me to live a life where my vulnerabilities are the place where His strength is glorified.  

“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 (NLT)

May the Cross ever draw our eyes away from ourselves and back to the One who gave His life for us.

The target is NOT the focus. . .

When Jesus spoke to  the multitudes, He spoke in parables. Parables are relatable stories with deeper meaning. The people of His day understood what He was referencing, but us modern day "scholars" need a little help. Interestingly enough, I feel like God speaks to me more through metaphors and similes. You know, the kind of statements that Forrest Gump made, "Life is like a box of chocolates. . ." I would venture to say, however deep you may find Forrest's statement, that God's Word takes us so much deeper when it comes to seeing things through His eyes.

I don't have an epiphany on what "life is like, " but what I do have is a new perspective on how to look at life and how I relate to God. And, as in many things, God spoke to me during an activity.

My husband took me to the shooting range a few weeks ago. Now, stick with me here, regardless of whether you enjoy shooting or are terrified of weapons (I used to be, too). I pray you'll find my lesson one you can glean something from either way. As usual, I digress. . .

Back to my story. . . As my hubby was coaching me and helping me tweak my skill, I had trouble focusing on my target. The more I focused on where I wanted the bullet to go, the more I missed. I can still hear his voice in my ear, "focus on the sights, not the target." Let me help you understand what he meant.

The majority of handguns have both front and rear sights. While the cosmetic makeup of the sights differ from weapon to weapon, their purpose is the same: line them up with the target. When training to use a handgun, you have to rely on the sights rather heavily. If the front sight is not lined up correctly with the rear sight(s), the bullet will end up anywhere but where you want it. While you need to aim correctly, where your eyes focus is absolutely key in your accuracy. Here's an image to help you ("POI" stands for "point of impact):

image courtesy of https://canadianshooter.wordpress.com/

As you can see (no pun intended), if your sights are out of alignment, you're not going to hit where you're aiming.

So here's where the crazy thing happened - I was adjusting my aim, focusing in on the sights, making sure they were in perfect alignment, and my eyes went in and out of focus. I wear no-line bifocals, so shooting can be a challenge in and of itself, but when my eyes are wigging out, well. . . . you can only imagine. Much to my surprise, however, when I had a clear sight picture, and my eyes were in perfect focus, I pulled the trigger and hit exactly where I was aiming.

It was then that I heard God's voice. "Isn't it the same with Me? When you are perfectly, intently and fully focused on Me, don't you have peace and feel fulfilled?" A smile crept upon my lips and I let out one of those "yeah, I get it" kind of laughs.

But, ever since that day, I have been mulling this over in my mind. How completely stunning and powerful is this truth? When we are not focused on the end game, on the final destination, on the "just one more thing" or even just when we stop flailing around in our emotional distress and purely focus on the Most High God do we have peace and joy. When all we want to do is please Him and bring Him honor and glory and praise with our lives, we have a deeper and fulfilling sense of purpose and destiny. When we finally surrender and pour ourselves out at the Cross, only to be filled with the love and peace of God, we are secure and joyful and whole. 

But, as soon as we let our focus wander, we sink in our hearts and minds, just like Peter sank in the water:

Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.” “Yes, come,” Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?” When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciples worshiped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed. (Matthew 14:28-33, NLT)

Peter took his eyes off of Jesus and he fell.  Of course, Jesus rescued him, but the first thing He asked Peter was why he doubted!   Is that what happens when we doubt? It starts so subtly. We are reading or we are praying and a stray thought comes in and we shake our heads and try to refocus. Slowly, the minor disruption pulls a little harder, like the wind blowing on that stormy sea, until we are so distracted that we can no longer look at what we are doing and see God in it, when He clearly is in the middle of rescuing us from ourselves.  Doubt slowly enters our minds and the enemy snickers and starts dancing his little happy dance because he has been successful in throwing us off course. We begin to get consumed with overwhelming details that simply do not matter in the grand scheme of things and we forget that our Heavenly Father already has everything worked those pesky details out and knows exactly where we are and where our journey is taking us. But, before we know it, we are crying out from broken hearts and wounded souls because we simply let our focus drift.

Perhaps I have this backwards, but I feel like what God is telling me is don't worry about where you're going to end up - the destination itself isn't the primary focus.  Don't get me wrong, we have an eternal destiny that we are to strive towards, but we can't get there by focusing on ourselves and the minutia of life.  I don't know what voice you're hearing, but I keep hearing the Lord say to me, "Stay here, with Me, in this moment. Trust me. I already know where all this is going.  I've got it all under control." 

That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. (Matthew 6:25-34, NLT, emphasis mine)

Seems so simple, doesn't it? Not a chance. It takes practice, determination, FOCUS, just as learning any skill does. If we worked as hard on learning more about God and strengthening our relationship with Him as we do to accomplish anything else in our daily lives, we would be so much happier and at peace.  

Set your clock. Make time to read and meditate on God's Word. The treasure that awaits you there is beyond your imagination. The wealth of this world is nothing compared to what God has for you. What Paul said centuries ago still rings true today. . .

I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done.Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. (Philippians 3:7-9, NLT)

While it feels good to hit the target, the joy is fleeting and leaves us wanting for more. Focus in on Jesus and begin to feel a joy beyond words, a peace beyond understanding and a love which can not be measured.

When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. (Ephesians 3:14-19, NLT)

Don't worry, you are not alone if you think you're lacking this kind of focus.  I am preaching to myself, here, too.  But, I'm ready to live for something and Someone other than myself and be filled with the promises God has for me.  Tell me friend, how about you?