Even in despair, God speaks.

When I was in the seventh grade, I had terrible writer’s block for an English assignment.  My dad was trying to help me through it and got so frustrated that he had to walk away.  Still, he came back and while I was still mad, he told me that I just needed to start writing and eventually the words would come. His advice has stuck with me through all these years.  And, so, here I am, doing just that - just writing. I don't know where this is going, but thanks for coming along for the ride.

It’s not that I have writer’s block, per se; it’s more like I have “life” block.  I feel stuck.  I feel overwhelmed, depressed and oppressed.  I don’t like who I am, who I’ve been or where I’m going.  I don’t even know where I’m going.  I’ve lost my drive, my dreams, my passion and my way.

It’s not easy for a Christian who has written blogs of encouragement to admit she is struggling so deeply.  It feels quite hypocritical.  I feel like everything I say I stand for has given way to the dark reality of where I’m really at.  I stuff my feelings behind a façade of confidence and strength.  The truth is, I’m crumbling inside and my anxiety is through the roof.  Tonight, I let the tears flow, but most of the time, I stop myself.  I don’t want anyone to see me hurting, but the pain inside of me eats at me all the time and I'm sure that it shows.  I feel I’ve lost touch with God.  I cry out to Him, but I don’t feel like I’m worth hearing.  Even as I type that, I know it’s a lie.  But, somehow that lie has become extremely loud.  

There are so many places I feel like a failure, especially when I use the lens of comparison.  I could elaborate, but that feels a little too raw right now.  I know comparison is the thief of joy and joy is yet another thing I've lost.  I don’t have discipline.  I'm not motivated.  I don’t have structure.  The  list goes on.

Even knowing I’m a child of God, I feel ”less than.”  I hate the things I hear in my head.  I hate that I don’t have the strength and faith to press in to Him.  Oh, me of little faith.  I have faith enough for others, but not for myself. 

It’s hard to even reach out for prayer.  I feel so lost and hopeless.  It’s ironic, isn’t it?  Despite all the writings I’ve published on my blog, I am the last to feel encouraged.  Such a hypocrite.  Such a fraud. 

 Yet, the Spirit says write…..

Here Me, My Daughter.

I AM with you.  You are not as alone as you feel.  You don’t need anyone or anything else but Me.  I AM the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  Stop fighting Me.  Stop trying to “fix, manage and control” everything in your own life and in others’.  That’s not your job.  Your job is to sUrrENDer.  Remember that word?  You’ve been resisting Me for long enough.  You are listening to the wrong voices.  Hear only MY voice.  I AM the one calling to you in the distance.  If you would be still long enough, if you would quiet your mind long enough, and  turn your heart towards Me, you would hear My voice.  Remember, I AM not in the chaos; I AM in the whisper.  Breaking is part of My process.  Yet, you have resisted and it has become more painful that it needs to be.  Why don’t you trust Me?  I AM the only One who is trustworthy and true.  I have the balm to heal your deepest wounds and the scalpel to cut away the hard parts of your heart.  sUrrENDer.  How much longer will you suffer at your own hand?  I desire to heal you, cleanse you, make you new.  I can’t do that if you resist Me. I want ALL of your heart, not just pieces.  What is it that you fear the most?  Give Me that fear.  I have not given you a spirit of fear and timidity, but I have given you a spirit of power, love and a sound mind.  I will not make you do anything, but I ask you to yield yourself to Me.  I have never left you nor forsaken  you.  I AM with you always, in every trial and every triumph.  Do you remember the formula I gave you?  Trust + Obedience = Blessing.  I know you feel your faith is small.  But you know that all I require is a little faith – the size of a mustard seed.  Stop leaning on your own understanding and press into Me for My revelation.  Continue to talk to Me in prayer, bringing Me a spirit of gratitude.  I know that feels insurmountable right now, so find Me in the little things for I AM there, too.  I know you feel like a complete failure, but remember that I can work all things for good for those that love Me.  I know you love Me.  Let Me love you.  I created you for a purpose, for a time such as this and have called you to walk in that purpose.  The enemy wants nothing more than to see you give up.  But, that is not an option. Remember the Scriptures I strung together for you a few years ago? 

“I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me for He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in [your] weakness' because the same Spirit of Him that raised up Jesus from the dead lives in me.”

My Spirit, the Holy Spirit, dwells in you.  He intercedes for you when you don’t know what or how to pray.  He guides you even in your distress.  Let His voice be loudest in your head. Let My voice speak to you from the pages you find hard to read right now.  I will help you focus. . . I just need you to try a little harder.  Release your pain to Me and I will show you how to be free. I will order your days, guide your steps and calm your heart if you let Me.  I stand at the door and knock. . .it’s up to you to let Me in.

 

Even in the depths of despair, God speaks.  When I sat down to write, I had no idea where it would go.  Perhaps it would just be an outlet for my tears, a written release of my pent up emotions.  Perhaps I would write out all the things that are troubling me, causing me to stumble.  In a way, I wanted to just argue with God and tell Him all the things I couldn't stand about myself.

Instead, the Spirit took over and spoke directly to me.  I pray He is speaking to you, too.  May each day bring new revelation and blessings to each of us.  May we seek to love Him with all our hearts, souls and minds.  Above all, let our hearts be receptive to the love He so freely offers us and paid the ultimate price for us to receive.

Even the Black Cloud Holds Rain

I used to think that depression was just a form of emotional stress.  I then learned that it has to do with chemical imbalances and other physiological sources.  But, I have learned that there is another component to it as well – something deeper, more powerful and potentially deadly.  It’s a spirit sent to distract, tranquilize and ultimately kill.

While this may sound a bit melodramatic, let me just start by saying I’ve been dealing with depression since I was a child.  Like many, I was a victim of sexual abuse at a young age, which lead to many other complicated emotions and personality traits.  I did not know it was considered abuse at the time, as I was six and my abuser was still yet a child himself at nine.  Yet, the black cloud that followed me from that moment on brought heavy seasons of pain, guilt and depression on and off throughout my life.  

We used to treat depression in Christians as taboo, almost as if it was spiritually impossible to believe in God and yet still feel down and out.  In recent years, both believers and non-believers alike medicate their emotions with prescriptions, holistic alternatives, and unfortunately, other self-directed methods that drive a person further down the emotional black hole.

Regardless of what psychologists and psychiatrists say, we cannot solve a spiritual problem with man-made solutions.  Our healing comes from deep within us, but only when we have tapped into the supernatural love and grace that was placed in us by our Creator.

Let me get real and raw for a minute.  Depression, anxiety and mental illness is a spiritual stronghold in my family.  It’s roots run deep and we have been unsuccessful in ridding our land of this curse.  It has caused me to think terrible thoughts, thoughts that lend themselves to leaving this life.  As disturbing as those thoughts are, I know that is not what God has planned for me. Nonetheless, the depression runs deep and seems to control me when life has seemed to beat me down.  But, I’m beginning to realize that I have been looking at this all wrong. What I see as a persistent black cloud of pain, the Lord sees as a source of renewing rain.

I believe I have mentioned before that I have learned that our lives are our land.  You and I have been allotted our own pieces of real estate in the scope of God’s Kingdom.  My responsibility is to tend to my plot -  ripping up my own weeds, tilling the soil, and spreading the seed.  I’m not to interfered with another’s plot unless I am directed to do so by the Lord.  I certainly can’t remove any of their weeds, because even weeds serve a purpose.  But, what about that rain?  

We can say that the rain comes from the tears we shed during the trials we face.  Yet, I believe I am learning that isn’t always the case.  The rain comes once we have hit rock bottom, cry out to the Lord in true surrender and He releases the Living Water upon our soil to renew our souls.  

That black cloud you think that has been following you, bringing you pain and heartache, is really the fullness of God’s mercy, waiting to be released upon the dry land of your heart.  We cannot loose the blessings of Heaven on earth if we continue to hold fast to the sin that binds us.  Whether it be simple and seemingly harmless or over the top, sin is sin and it separates us from our Father in Heaven.   His heart is to bless us, to see us flourish and grow and draw others to Himself through us.   Yes, even in the desert, He is present and He longs to shower us with His mercy.  Our job is to surrender ourselves to His will.

Surrender is more than just a white flag.  It’s more than just giving up and caving in.  Surrender to God is allowing the end of ourselves to give way to a new beginning in Him.  Sometimes we have to get to that end, to feeling downcast, desperate, on the brink of giving up altogether.  David felt that way.  In Psalm 43:5, we read “Why am I so depressed? Why this turmoil within me? Put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God.” (HCSB).  

Yes, I will put my hope in God.   What others may mean for evil, God will use for good.  (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28).  In my weakest moments, when I am looking up for answers and I see that black cloud following me, I will sing praises to my Lord and King, and lift my hands to receive the glorious renewing rain that has been stored up just for me.

"Ask rain from the LORD at the time of the spring rain-- The LORD who makes the storm clouds; And He will give them showers of rain, vegetation in the field to each man."  Zechariah 10:1 (NASB)