Even in despair, God speaks.

When I was in the seventh grade, I had terrible writer’s block for an English assignment.  My dad was trying to help me through it and got so frustrated that he had to walk away.  Still, he came back and while I was still mad, he told me that I just needed to start writing and eventually the words would come. His advice has stuck with me through all these years.  And, so, here I am, doing just that - just writing. I don't know where this is going, but thanks for coming along for the ride.

It’s not that I have writer’s block, per se; it’s more like I have “life” block.  I feel stuck.  I feel overwhelmed, depressed and oppressed.  I don’t like who I am, who I’ve been or where I’m going.  I don’t even know where I’m going.  I’ve lost my drive, my dreams, my passion and my way.

It’s not easy for a Christian who has written blogs of encouragement to admit she is struggling so deeply.  It feels quite hypocritical.  I feel like everything I say I stand for has given way to the dark reality of where I’m really at.  I stuff my feelings behind a façade of confidence and strength.  The truth is, I’m crumbling inside and my anxiety is through the roof.  Tonight, I let the tears flow, but most of the time, I stop myself.  I don’t want anyone to see me hurting, but the pain inside of me eats at me all the time and I'm sure that it shows.  I feel I’ve lost touch with God.  I cry out to Him, but I don’t feel like I’m worth hearing.  Even as I type that, I know it’s a lie.  But, somehow that lie has become extremely loud.  

There are so many places I feel like a failure, especially when I use the lens of comparison.  I could elaborate, but that feels a little too raw right now.  I know comparison is the thief of joy and joy is yet another thing I've lost.  I don’t have discipline.  I'm not motivated.  I don’t have structure.  The  list goes on.

Even knowing I’m a child of God, I feel ”less than.”  I hate the things I hear in my head.  I hate that I don’t have the strength and faith to press in to Him.  Oh, me of little faith.  I have faith enough for others, but not for myself. 

It’s hard to even reach out for prayer.  I feel so lost and hopeless.  It’s ironic, isn’t it?  Despite all the writings I’ve published on my blog, I am the last to feel encouraged.  Such a hypocrite.  Such a fraud. 

 Yet, the Spirit says write…..

Here Me, My Daughter.

I AM with you.  You are not as alone as you feel.  You don’t need anyone or anything else but Me.  I AM the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  Stop fighting Me.  Stop trying to “fix, manage and control” everything in your own life and in others’.  That’s not your job.  Your job is to sUrrENDer.  Remember that word?  You’ve been resisting Me for long enough.  You are listening to the wrong voices.  Hear only MY voice.  I AM the one calling to you in the distance.  If you would be still long enough, if you would quiet your mind long enough, and  turn your heart towards Me, you would hear My voice.  Remember, I AM not in the chaos; I AM in the whisper.  Breaking is part of My process.  Yet, you have resisted and it has become more painful that it needs to be.  Why don’t you trust Me?  I AM the only One who is trustworthy and true.  I have the balm to heal your deepest wounds and the scalpel to cut away the hard parts of your heart.  sUrrENDer.  How much longer will you suffer at your own hand?  I desire to heal you, cleanse you, make you new.  I can’t do that if you resist Me. I want ALL of your heart, not just pieces.  What is it that you fear the most?  Give Me that fear.  I have not given you a spirit of fear and timidity, but I have given you a spirit of power, love and a sound mind.  I will not make you do anything, but I ask you to yield yourself to Me.  I have never left you nor forsaken  you.  I AM with you always, in every trial and every triumph.  Do you remember the formula I gave you?  Trust + Obedience = Blessing.  I know you feel your faith is small.  But you know that all I require is a little faith – the size of a mustard seed.  Stop leaning on your own understanding and press into Me for My revelation.  Continue to talk to Me in prayer, bringing Me a spirit of gratitude.  I know that feels insurmountable right now, so find Me in the little things for I AM there, too.  I know you feel like a complete failure, but remember that I can work all things for good for those that love Me.  I know you love Me.  Let Me love you.  I created you for a purpose, for a time such as this and have called you to walk in that purpose.  The enemy wants nothing more than to see you give up.  But, that is not an option. Remember the Scriptures I strung together for you a few years ago? 

“I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me for He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in [your] weakness' because the same Spirit of Him that raised up Jesus from the dead lives in me.”

My Spirit, the Holy Spirit, dwells in you.  He intercedes for you when you don’t know what or how to pray.  He guides you even in your distress.  Let His voice be loudest in your head. Let My voice speak to you from the pages you find hard to read right now.  I will help you focus. . . I just need you to try a little harder.  Release your pain to Me and I will show you how to be free. I will order your days, guide your steps and calm your heart if you let Me.  I stand at the door and knock. . .it’s up to you to let Me in.

 

Even in the depths of despair, God speaks.  When I sat down to write, I had no idea where it would go.  Perhaps it would just be an outlet for my tears, a written release of my pent up emotions.  Perhaps I would write out all the things that are troubling me, causing me to stumble.  In a way, I wanted to just argue with God and tell Him all the things I couldn't stand about myself.

Instead, the Spirit took over and spoke directly to me.  I pray He is speaking to you, too.  May each day bring new revelation and blessings to each of us.  May we seek to love Him with all our hearts, souls and minds.  Above all, let our hearts be receptive to the love He so freely offers us and paid the ultimate price for us to receive.

Even the Black Cloud Holds Rain

I used to think that depression was just a form of emotional stress.  I then learned that it has to do with chemical imbalances and other physiological sources.  But, I have learned that there is another component to it as well – something deeper, more powerful and potentially deadly.  It’s a spirit sent to distract, tranquilize and ultimately kill.

While this may sound a bit melodramatic, let me just start by saying I’ve been dealing with depression since I was a child.  Like many, I was a victim of sexual abuse at a young age, which lead to many other complicated emotions and personality traits.  I did not know it was considered abuse at the time, as I was six and my abuser was still yet a child himself at nine.  Yet, the black cloud that followed me from that moment on brought heavy seasons of pain, guilt and depression on and off throughout my life.  

We used to treat depression in Christians as taboo, almost as if it was spiritually impossible to believe in God and yet still feel down and out.  In recent years, both believers and non-believers alike medicate their emotions with prescriptions, holistic alternatives, and unfortunately, other self-directed methods that drive a person further down the emotional black hole.

Regardless of what psychologists and psychiatrists say, we cannot solve a spiritual problem with man-made solutions.  Our healing comes from deep within us, but only when we have tapped into the supernatural love and grace that was placed in us by our Creator.

Let me get real and raw for a minute.  Depression, anxiety and mental illness is a spiritual stronghold in my family.  It’s roots run deep and we have been unsuccessful in ridding our land of this curse.  It has caused me to think terrible thoughts, thoughts that lend themselves to leaving this life.  As disturbing as those thoughts are, I know that is not what God has planned for me. Nonetheless, the depression runs deep and seems to control me when life has seemed to beat me down.  But, I’m beginning to realize that I have been looking at this all wrong. What I see as a persistent black cloud of pain, the Lord sees as a source of renewing rain.

I believe I have mentioned before that I have learned that our lives are our land.  You and I have been allotted our own pieces of real estate in the scope of God’s Kingdom.  My responsibility is to tend to my plot -  ripping up my own weeds, tilling the soil, and spreading the seed.  I’m not to interfered with another’s plot unless I am directed to do so by the Lord.  I certainly can’t remove any of their weeds, because even weeds serve a purpose.  But, what about that rain?  

We can say that the rain comes from the tears we shed during the trials we face.  Yet, I believe I am learning that isn’t always the case.  The rain comes once we have hit rock bottom, cry out to the Lord in true surrender and He releases the Living Water upon our soil to renew our souls.  

That black cloud you think that has been following you, bringing you pain and heartache, is really the fullness of God’s mercy, waiting to be released upon the dry land of your heart.  We cannot loose the blessings of Heaven on earth if we continue to hold fast to the sin that binds us.  Whether it be simple and seemingly harmless or over the top, sin is sin and it separates us from our Father in Heaven.   His heart is to bless us, to see us flourish and grow and draw others to Himself through us.   Yes, even in the desert, He is present and He longs to shower us with His mercy.  Our job is to surrender ourselves to His will.

Surrender is more than just a white flag.  It’s more than just giving up and caving in.  Surrender to God is allowing the end of ourselves to give way to a new beginning in Him.  Sometimes we have to get to that end, to feeling downcast, desperate, on the brink of giving up altogether.  David felt that way.  In Psalm 43:5, we read “Why am I so depressed? Why this turmoil within me? Put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God.” (HCSB).  

Yes, I will put my hope in God.   What others may mean for evil, God will use for good.  (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28).  In my weakest moments, when I am looking up for answers and I see that black cloud following me, I will sing praises to my Lord and King, and lift my hands to receive the glorious renewing rain that has been stored up just for me.

"Ask rain from the LORD at the time of the spring rain-- The LORD who makes the storm clouds; And He will give them showers of rain, vegetation in the field to each man."  Zechariah 10:1 (NASB)

When Doubt Gets the Best of You

I’ve heard it said that we are own worst enemy.  In Scripture, our worst enemy is really Satan, the fallen angel who took one-third of Heaven with him in rebellion against God.  So, in reality, it has been said that we are our own worst enemy’s accomplice (I believe I can attribute that to Beth Moore).

Sometimes, it’s hard to differentiate between how much is my own doing (i.e., consequences of my actions and choices), testing appointed by God or spiritual attack from the forces of evil.  Many times I don’t even want to know the “why” behind the “what” because I just want to see the way through.

The Word of God says that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13). Paul shares only two verses prior that this is the “secret” to living in all circumstances and situations.  After all, Christ has said,  “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9) because “The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you” (Romans 8:11).  

So, why is it that we still feel so inadequate and ineffective?  Why do our feelings lie to us about what we can accomplish for the Lord?  Why does self-pity, depression, insecurity and immaturity seem to rule our hearts and minds right when we think we’ve begun to do something good?

I have written many an encouraging word for others.  I have spoken of trials being fertile ground for our growth, that we are royal heirs in the Kingdom of God, empowered by the Holy Spirit Who gives us everything we need to live life for our Lord and King.  Yet, as many truths flow forth from my fingertips to the screen into the hearts of God’s children, I fear I have not yet taken these things to heart and applied them to my own life.

Oh, I talk a good game.   Passionate in my quest for others to take hold of the truths that have been set before me.  Receptive of the Word for others, but so often, disregarding its application to my own heart.  None of this is done at the conscious level at first.  I get caught up in the moment, in the rush of seeing another heart encouraged, and another soul moved closer towards their reward in Heaven.  

But, as I look in the mirror, do I own the reality of what I preach?  Do I honestly live out the life I so desire others to embrace?

I have battled depression for over 25 years.  So many days I feel like that demon has been exorcised from my spirit and I have found victory in the Lord.  Then, there are those other days where I can’t look myself in the mirror, I can’t see the purpose of my existence in the universe and I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world.  I rail against myself and God as if I wasn’t the born-again believer that I am.  

We get in the way of our own ministry when we fall victim to the fallen nature of our flesh.  Not only does our flesh lie to us about what we need to be successful but it will tell us that we are not worthy of the Cross.  How often do I tell others that Christ would die all over again for them if they were the only human being on the planet?  Yet, I still find myself feeling so inadequate and doubting the very gifts that God has sown into me.

And, as I sit here, the answer is so clear.  Even as our trials and testing are appointed by God, even as they are within the purview of God’s omniscience, there does remain an enemy of our souls.  His first known attack was on the very confidence we have in God.  In Genesis 3:1, Satan, in the form of the serpent, said to Eve “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?” (emphasis mine).  All he had to do was plant a seed of doubt.  What is doubt?  According to Professor Google, doubt is “a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.”  Uncertainty is all it takes to cause us to call into question all that we know to be true.  Unless. . . .

Unless we are prepared.  Unless we are grounded.  Unless we are rooted so deeply in the Word of God that when the enemy whispers lies in our ear we can quickly discern and disarm them.  We have not been left to our own devices when it comes to defending what is true about ourselves.  We have been given the Armor of God – the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the helmet of salvation, the shoes of the Gospel of peace, the shield of faith, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the very Word of God (Ephesians 6:13-17).

At the end of the day, we will be battle-weary.  But, the difference between walking wounded and being utterly defeated lies in our dedication to learning from our Commanding Officer.  Our Lord Jesus did not send us in to battle without first walking the front-line himself.  He is and always will be our ultimate example of how to endure to the end.  Even in the Garden of Gethsemane, twice Jesus asked His Father to take the “cup of suffering” from Him.  Yet, He yielded His will to that of the Father for our benefit - so that you and I could believe on Him and be reconciled to our Creator.

No matter what I go through, no matter how much I rail against God, nothing can change the fact that I am His child.  What does need to change is how I respond when the enemy enters my mind and disrupts my spirit.  

As I sit and reflect upon that statement, the choice I must make is clear.  Even greater still is the focus of my attention and whether or not I have truly surrendered ALL of myself so that I may be complete in Jesus.  

And, as I have written before, the word “surrender” means so much more than just a white flag in the middle of a fight.  If we write it like this, “sUrrENDer,” then we see the words within the word, “U END.”

Doubt may be a tactic of the enemy, but what I realize is that an act of my own will and consciousness must bring me to at the point where “I END” and God begins.  Only I can answer that question before the Lord.  And, each one of us must do the same.

“Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.”  Luke 9:23-24

Blessing in the Brokenness

For those of you who know me, my story may or may not be familiar to you.  I write because I am now at liberty to do so.  And, now, I can share why I have that liberty.  The journey is not over yet, as I am constantly being reminded that there is "Blessing in the Brokenness". . . 

"Broken"              

adjective bro·ken \ˈbrō-kən\

: separated into parts or pieces by being hit, damaged, etc.

: not working properly

: not kept or honored[1]

Broken.  Ponder that word for a minute.  What does it mean to be broken?  Have we ever really looked at that word?  It's definition seems so simple if we apply it to an object or a promise. 

But, what does it really mean to be broken?  Have you ever lived in that place?  What does brokenness look like?  I can tell you.  I used to live there.

Twenty-two months ago, almost to the day, I was broken.  Not just broken, but shattered.  My heart in a million pieces, I walked out of my house, said goodbye to my then six-year old daughter, and just walked away.  I turned my cell phone location services off and then on again.  I turned the cell phone off and on again.  Tears streaming down my face, all I could think of was does my daughter know how much I love her?  Will they tell her?  Will he, speaking of my husband, equally in a place of brokenness, tell her that I love her?  I just walked and cried.   My heart cried out to God, who seemed so far away.  My body moved forward towards the local hospital, the only destination I could focus on that could possibly bring me healing. I texted my husband.  I called my best friend, whom I could not immediately reach.  Moved forward by desperation, I walked 4.3 miles before my husband finally came to pick me up.  And, the sight of my precious daughter running out to me sent my grief deeper into my soul.  Numbly, I walked back to the van and climbed in.  Soon, my best friend called and before I knew it, she was sitting in my living room and then I was sitting in the emergency room on a 72-hour mandatory psychiatric hold.  I don't remember how long it was before the social worker, larger than life on the television screen before me, released me to her care.  As I walked out with her, all I knew was that I didn't know what would happen next and I felt nothing but despair.

The one conscious thought I had was to make a phone call to my husband's best friend. I thought I was calling for my husband, to ensure someone was there for him.  But little did I know how that one phone call would be the beginning of a journey that I can describe as nothing short of miraculous.  The door to the Ministry Of Miracles was opening to me and I didn't even know it.

Our dear friend followed in obedience and made a phone call.  This phone call lead to my husband making a phone call, then another.  And, finally, the instruction came to me.  "I want you to pray about when, not if, you are going to call Bari.  When, Michelle, not if.  Rob has already spoken to her.  She would like to speak to you, too."  I agreed to pray, nothing more.  It's all I could agree to.  Yet, praying seemed so shallow and fruitless. 

But, oh, my Father in Heaven still heard.  He heard the prayers of my husband and our friends and my first call was made two days later on a Saturday night.  "How are you feeling, Michelle?" said a cheerful, but confident voice on the other end of the line.  "Anxious," I said.  "No, you aren't feeling anxious.  You're feeling dread."  How did she know? It was like she could look through the phone directly into my soul.  I tried to shrink further into myself, arms crossed and on the defensive.  But, something pulled me out of that posture.  Someone.  Not just the voice on the other end of the line, but Someone bigger than the two of us.  SURRENDER.  I will never forget writing that word, while laying on my stomach like a teenager, and smiling and laughing.  A new work had begun and my world started to change. 

Today, I walk in liberty.  I stand tall as a Daughter of Zion, a Daughter of the Most High King, a Daughter of Destiny. But this is not just any destiny.  It is a powerful, purpose-filled Destiny that was created before the Earth was formed and my heart existed to possess it.  Today I am rooted in the Living Water that gives me life, the very breath I breathe given to me by the Holy Spirit, poured out over the hours upon hours of counsel, instruction and revelation through the Ministry Of Miracles' principle, Bari.  Strongholds have been broken.  I no longer live with a shattered heart. The chains that once bound me lie scattered behind me.  No longer an empty vessel, the clay from which I was formed has been reshaped and renewed and it now holds the blessings of being raised up and out of captivity.  The scales have long since been removed my eyes and I walk in the light of God's perfect love, perfected in His righteousness, only made possible by Jesus' death and resurrection.  Words simply are not adequate to describe the healing that has mended the broken places in my life. 

Oh, but the blessings were not reserved just for me.  My husband has received counsel and instruction and walks in greater freedom than ever before.  My daughter instantly bonded to Bari and grows closer to God with each passing day.  Gone are the damaged places that kept us in bondage. Hearts and minds that were once under oppression and not working properly, freed and full of life and joy.  No longer are we wounded, living in a fog, feeling dishonored, for we live in the reality of the blessing and honor we receive as children of our loving Heavenly Father. 

Romans 8:9 - 17 says:

"But you, you do not identify with your old nature but with the Spirit - provided the Spirit of God is living inside you, for anyone who doesn't have the Spirit of the Messiah doesn't belong to him. However, if the Messiah is in you, then, on the one hand, the body is dead because of sin; but, on the other hand, the Spirit is giving life because God considers you righteous. And if the Spirit of the One who raised Yeshua from the dead is living in you, then the One who raised the Messiah Yeshua from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit living in you. So then, brothers, we don't owe a thing to our old nature that would require us to live according to our old nature. For if you live according to your old nature, you will certainly die; but if, by the Spirit, you keep putting to death the practices of the body, you will live. All who are led by God's Spirit are God's sons. For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to bring you back again into fear; on the contrary, you received the Spirit, who makes us sons and by whose power we cry out, "Abba!" (that is, "Dear Father!").  The Spirit himself bears witness with our own spirits that we are children of God; and if we are children, then we are also heirs, heirs of God and joint-heirs with the Messiah - provided we are suffering with him in order also to be glorified with him."[2]

Let's go back to that word, "broken."  Brokenness can be and is used by God.  Brokenness is necessary to the process of restoration.  Without being broken, we do not see the hidden places where anger, shame, bitterness, pain and sin hide.  Only when we are broken, can something new and beautiful be revealed.  A diamond's brilliance is not revealed until it has been broken from the layers of rock around it.  On the outside it is ugly and course, but once revealed and refined, we see it for what it really is - beautiful and precious.  Are we not God's precious jewels, born into an ugly and sinful world?  Reread Romans 8:9-17.  We are precious in the eyes of our Abba, Father, who sent His only Son to die a brutal death but was raised from the dead by the Holy Spirit to give us new life.  This new life must be born out of the brokenness that exists deep within our souls, the very brokenness that serves as the fertile ground on which the Holy Spirit cultivates and develops the roots that connect us to the Vine and sustains our lives.

Our blessings came not in place of, but because of and through the brokenness.  I needed to be broken for the Father to bring me to the Ministry Of Miracles.  I needed to be broken further in order to break free of the chains that bound me to the pain of my past.  The deepening bond of my heart to the Father's through the firm, yet gentle voice of Bari had to (and continues to) come as the Holy Spirit works in the depths of my soul through our calls.  And, oh, the overflowing joy!  The laughter and sharing as the Lord healed the hidden places in my husband and me over the last twenty-two months are beautiful and precious.  A song born in my daughter's heart, resonates within me as I reflect upon how even she has been reshaped and renewed though so young.

There is no shame in being broken.  For it is only when we are broken and humbled that we become teachable.  And, when we are teachable, the yearning in our souls is satisfied with the manna from Heaven, the Word made flesh, Jesus.  We can then enter His courts with praise and sing "Holy, holy, holy is ADONAI, God of heaven's armies the One who was, who is and who is coming!" (Revelation 4:8).[3]

Walk through the door.  The Father is waiting.  The Spirit is drawing.  The Ministry Of Miracles is the Ministry of the Miraculous.  I am living proof.  And, I praise Him with all that I am. 

For more information on the Ministry of Miracles, please visit www.ministryofmiracles.org.

[1] http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/broken

[2] http://www.biblestudytools.com/cjb/romans/8.html

[3] http://www.biblestudytools.com/cjb/revelation/4.html