Even in despair, God speaks.

When I was in the seventh grade, I had terrible writer’s block for an English assignment.  My dad was trying to help me through it and got so frustrated that he had to walk away.  Still, he came back and while I was still mad, he told me that I just needed to start writing and eventually the words would come. His advice has stuck with me through all these years.  And, so, here I am, doing just that - just writing. I don't know where this is going, but thanks for coming along for the ride.

It’s not that I have writer’s block, per se; it’s more like I have “life” block.  I feel stuck.  I feel overwhelmed, depressed and oppressed.  I don’t like who I am, who I’ve been or where I’m going.  I don’t even know where I’m going.  I’ve lost my drive, my dreams, my passion and my way.

It’s not easy for a Christian who has written blogs of encouragement to admit she is struggling so deeply.  It feels quite hypocritical.  I feel like everything I say I stand for has given way to the dark reality of where I’m really at.  I stuff my feelings behind a façade of confidence and strength.  The truth is, I’m crumbling inside and my anxiety is through the roof.  Tonight, I let the tears flow, but most of the time, I stop myself.  I don’t want anyone to see me hurting, but the pain inside of me eats at me all the time and I'm sure that it shows.  I feel I’ve lost touch with God.  I cry out to Him, but I don’t feel like I’m worth hearing.  Even as I type that, I know it’s a lie.  But, somehow that lie has become extremely loud.  

There are so many places I feel like a failure, especially when I use the lens of comparison.  I could elaborate, but that feels a little too raw right now.  I know comparison is the thief of joy and joy is yet another thing I've lost.  I don’t have discipline.  I'm not motivated.  I don’t have structure.  The  list goes on.

Even knowing I’m a child of God, I feel ”less than.”  I hate the things I hear in my head.  I hate that I don’t have the strength and faith to press in to Him.  Oh, me of little faith.  I have faith enough for others, but not for myself. 

It’s hard to even reach out for prayer.  I feel so lost and hopeless.  It’s ironic, isn’t it?  Despite all the writings I’ve published on my blog, I am the last to feel encouraged.  Such a hypocrite.  Such a fraud. 

 Yet, the Spirit says write…..

Here Me, My Daughter.

I AM with you.  You are not as alone as you feel.  You don’t need anyone or anything else but Me.  I AM the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  Stop fighting Me.  Stop trying to “fix, manage and control” everything in your own life and in others’.  That’s not your job.  Your job is to sUrrENDer.  Remember that word?  You’ve been resisting Me for long enough.  You are listening to the wrong voices.  Hear only MY voice.  I AM the one calling to you in the distance.  If you would be still long enough, if you would quiet your mind long enough, and  turn your heart towards Me, you would hear My voice.  Remember, I AM not in the chaos; I AM in the whisper.  Breaking is part of My process.  Yet, you have resisted and it has become more painful that it needs to be.  Why don’t you trust Me?  I AM the only One who is trustworthy and true.  I have the balm to heal your deepest wounds and the scalpel to cut away the hard parts of your heart.  sUrrENDer.  How much longer will you suffer at your own hand?  I desire to heal you, cleanse you, make you new.  I can’t do that if you resist Me. I want ALL of your heart, not just pieces.  What is it that you fear the most?  Give Me that fear.  I have not given you a spirit of fear and timidity, but I have given you a spirit of power, love and a sound mind.  I will not make you do anything, but I ask you to yield yourself to Me.  I have never left you nor forsaken  you.  I AM with you always, in every trial and every triumph.  Do you remember the formula I gave you?  Trust + Obedience = Blessing.  I know you feel your faith is small.  But you know that all I require is a little faith – the size of a mustard seed.  Stop leaning on your own understanding and press into Me for My revelation.  Continue to talk to Me in prayer, bringing Me a spirit of gratitude.  I know that feels insurmountable right now, so find Me in the little things for I AM there, too.  I know you feel like a complete failure, but remember that I can work all things for good for those that love Me.  I know you love Me.  Let Me love you.  I created you for a purpose, for a time such as this and have called you to walk in that purpose.  The enemy wants nothing more than to see you give up.  But, that is not an option. Remember the Scriptures I strung together for you a few years ago? 

“I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me for He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in [your] weakness' because the same Spirit of Him that raised up Jesus from the dead lives in me.”

My Spirit, the Holy Spirit, dwells in you.  He intercedes for you when you don’t know what or how to pray.  He guides you even in your distress.  Let His voice be loudest in your head. Let My voice speak to you from the pages you find hard to read right now.  I will help you focus. . . I just need you to try a little harder.  Release your pain to Me and I will show you how to be free. I will order your days, guide your steps and calm your heart if you let Me.  I stand at the door and knock. . .it’s up to you to let Me in.

 

Even in the depths of despair, God speaks.  When I sat down to write, I had no idea where it would go.  Perhaps it would just be an outlet for my tears, a written release of my pent up emotions.  Perhaps I would write out all the things that are troubling me, causing me to stumble.  In a way, I wanted to just argue with God and tell Him all the things I couldn't stand about myself.

Instead, the Spirit took over and spoke directly to me.  I pray He is speaking to you, too.  May each day bring new revelation and blessings to each of us.  May we seek to love Him with all our hearts, souls and minds.  Above all, let our hearts be receptive to the love He so freely offers us and paid the ultimate price for us to receive.

When Doubt Gets the Best of You

I’ve heard it said that we are own worst enemy.  In Scripture, our worst enemy is really Satan, the fallen angel who took one-third of Heaven with him in rebellion against God.  So, in reality, it has been said that we are our own worst enemy’s accomplice (I believe I can attribute that to Beth Moore).

Sometimes, it’s hard to differentiate between how much is my own doing (i.e., consequences of my actions and choices), testing appointed by God or spiritual attack from the forces of evil.  Many times I don’t even want to know the “why” behind the “what” because I just want to see the way through.

The Word of God says that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13). Paul shares only two verses prior that this is the “secret” to living in all circumstances and situations.  After all, Christ has said,  “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9) because “The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you” (Romans 8:11).  

So, why is it that we still feel so inadequate and ineffective?  Why do our feelings lie to us about what we can accomplish for the Lord?  Why does self-pity, depression, insecurity and immaturity seem to rule our hearts and minds right when we think we’ve begun to do something good?

I have written many an encouraging word for others.  I have spoken of trials being fertile ground for our growth, that we are royal heirs in the Kingdom of God, empowered by the Holy Spirit Who gives us everything we need to live life for our Lord and King.  Yet, as many truths flow forth from my fingertips to the screen into the hearts of God’s children, I fear I have not yet taken these things to heart and applied them to my own life.

Oh, I talk a good game.   Passionate in my quest for others to take hold of the truths that have been set before me.  Receptive of the Word for others, but so often, disregarding its application to my own heart.  None of this is done at the conscious level at first.  I get caught up in the moment, in the rush of seeing another heart encouraged, and another soul moved closer towards their reward in Heaven.  

But, as I look in the mirror, do I own the reality of what I preach?  Do I honestly live out the life I so desire others to embrace?

I have battled depression for over 25 years.  So many days I feel like that demon has been exorcised from my spirit and I have found victory in the Lord.  Then, there are those other days where I can’t look myself in the mirror, I can’t see the purpose of my existence in the universe and I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world.  I rail against myself and God as if I wasn’t the born-again believer that I am.  

We get in the way of our own ministry when we fall victim to the fallen nature of our flesh.  Not only does our flesh lie to us about what we need to be successful but it will tell us that we are not worthy of the Cross.  How often do I tell others that Christ would die all over again for them if they were the only human being on the planet?  Yet, I still find myself feeling so inadequate and doubting the very gifts that God has sown into me.

And, as I sit here, the answer is so clear.  Even as our trials and testing are appointed by God, even as they are within the purview of God’s omniscience, there does remain an enemy of our souls.  His first known attack was on the very confidence we have in God.  In Genesis 3:1, Satan, in the form of the serpent, said to Eve “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?” (emphasis mine).  All he had to do was plant a seed of doubt.  What is doubt?  According to Professor Google, doubt is “a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.”  Uncertainty is all it takes to cause us to call into question all that we know to be true.  Unless. . . .

Unless we are prepared.  Unless we are grounded.  Unless we are rooted so deeply in the Word of God that when the enemy whispers lies in our ear we can quickly discern and disarm them.  We have not been left to our own devices when it comes to defending what is true about ourselves.  We have been given the Armor of God – the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the helmet of salvation, the shoes of the Gospel of peace, the shield of faith, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the very Word of God (Ephesians 6:13-17).

At the end of the day, we will be battle-weary.  But, the difference between walking wounded and being utterly defeated lies in our dedication to learning from our Commanding Officer.  Our Lord Jesus did not send us in to battle without first walking the front-line himself.  He is and always will be our ultimate example of how to endure to the end.  Even in the Garden of Gethsemane, twice Jesus asked His Father to take the “cup of suffering” from Him.  Yet, He yielded His will to that of the Father for our benefit - so that you and I could believe on Him and be reconciled to our Creator.

No matter what I go through, no matter how much I rail against God, nothing can change the fact that I am His child.  What does need to change is how I respond when the enemy enters my mind and disrupts my spirit.  

As I sit and reflect upon that statement, the choice I must make is clear.  Even greater still is the focus of my attention and whether or not I have truly surrendered ALL of myself so that I may be complete in Jesus.  

And, as I have written before, the word “surrender” means so much more than just a white flag in the middle of a fight.  If we write it like this, “sUrrENDer,” then we see the words within the word, “U END.”

Doubt may be a tactic of the enemy, but what I realize is that an act of my own will and consciousness must bring me to at the point where “I END” and God begins.  Only I can answer that question before the Lord.  And, each one of us must do the same.

“Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.”  Luke 9:23-24