When Doubt Gets the Best of You

I’ve heard it said that we are own worst enemy.  In Scripture, our worst enemy is really Satan, the fallen angel who took one-third of Heaven with him in rebellion against God.  So, in reality, it has been said that we are our own worst enemy’s accomplice (I believe I can attribute that to Beth Moore).

Sometimes, it’s hard to differentiate between how much is my own doing (i.e., consequences of my actions and choices), testing appointed by God or spiritual attack from the forces of evil.  Many times I don’t even want to know the “why” behind the “what” because I just want to see the way through.

The Word of God says that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13). Paul shares only two verses prior that this is the “secret” to living in all circumstances and situations.  After all, Christ has said,  “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9) because “The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you” (Romans 8:11).  

So, why is it that we still feel so inadequate and ineffective?  Why do our feelings lie to us about what we can accomplish for the Lord?  Why does self-pity, depression, insecurity and immaturity seem to rule our hearts and minds right when we think we’ve begun to do something good?

I have written many an encouraging word for others.  I have spoken of trials being fertile ground for our growth, that we are royal heirs in the Kingdom of God, empowered by the Holy Spirit Who gives us everything we need to live life for our Lord and King.  Yet, as many truths flow forth from my fingertips to the screen into the hearts of God’s children, I fear I have not yet taken these things to heart and applied them to my own life.

Oh, I talk a good game.   Passionate in my quest for others to take hold of the truths that have been set before me.  Receptive of the Word for others, but so often, disregarding its application to my own heart.  None of this is done at the conscious level at first.  I get caught up in the moment, in the rush of seeing another heart encouraged, and another soul moved closer towards their reward in Heaven.  

But, as I look in the mirror, do I own the reality of what I preach?  Do I honestly live out the life I so desire others to embrace?

I have battled depression for over 25 years.  So many days I feel like that demon has been exorcised from my spirit and I have found victory in the Lord.  Then, there are those other days where I can’t look myself in the mirror, I can’t see the purpose of my existence in the universe and I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world.  I rail against myself and God as if I wasn’t the born-again believer that I am.  

We get in the way of our own ministry when we fall victim to the fallen nature of our flesh.  Not only does our flesh lie to us about what we need to be successful but it will tell us that we are not worthy of the Cross.  How often do I tell others that Christ would die all over again for them if they were the only human being on the planet?  Yet, I still find myself feeling so inadequate and doubting the very gifts that God has sown into me.

And, as I sit here, the answer is so clear.  Even as our trials and testing are appointed by God, even as they are within the purview of God’s omniscience, there does remain an enemy of our souls.  His first known attack was on the very confidence we have in God.  In Genesis 3:1, Satan, in the form of the serpent, said to Eve “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?” (emphasis mine).  All he had to do was plant a seed of doubt.  What is doubt?  According to Professor Google, doubt is “a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.”  Uncertainty is all it takes to cause us to call into question all that we know to be true.  Unless. . . .

Unless we are prepared.  Unless we are grounded.  Unless we are rooted so deeply in the Word of God that when the enemy whispers lies in our ear we can quickly discern and disarm them.  We have not been left to our own devices when it comes to defending what is true about ourselves.  We have been given the Armor of God – the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the helmet of salvation, the shoes of the Gospel of peace, the shield of faith, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the very Word of God (Ephesians 6:13-17).

At the end of the day, we will be battle-weary.  But, the difference between walking wounded and being utterly defeated lies in our dedication to learning from our Commanding Officer.  Our Lord Jesus did not send us in to battle without first walking the front-line himself.  He is and always will be our ultimate example of how to endure to the end.  Even in the Garden of Gethsemane, twice Jesus asked His Father to take the “cup of suffering” from Him.  Yet, He yielded His will to that of the Father for our benefit - so that you and I could believe on Him and be reconciled to our Creator.

No matter what I go through, no matter how much I rail against God, nothing can change the fact that I am His child.  What does need to change is how I respond when the enemy enters my mind and disrupts my spirit.  

As I sit and reflect upon that statement, the choice I must make is clear.  Even greater still is the focus of my attention and whether or not I have truly surrendered ALL of myself so that I may be complete in Jesus.  

And, as I have written before, the word “surrender” means so much more than just a white flag in the middle of a fight.  If we write it like this, “sUrrENDer,” then we see the words within the word, “U END.”

Doubt may be a tactic of the enemy, but what I realize is that an act of my own will and consciousness must bring me to at the point where “I END” and God begins.  Only I can answer that question before the Lord.  And, each one of us must do the same.

“Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.”  Luke 9:23-24