Even in despair, God speaks.

When I was in the seventh grade, I had terrible writer’s block for an English assignment.  My dad was trying to help me through it and got so frustrated that he had to walk away.  Still, he came back and while I was still mad, he told me that I just needed to start writing and eventually the words would come. His advice has stuck with me through all these years.  And, so, here I am, doing just that - just writing. I don't know where this is going, but thanks for coming along for the ride.

It’s not that I have writer’s block, per se; it’s more like I have “life” block.  I feel stuck.  I feel overwhelmed, depressed and oppressed.  I don’t like who I am, who I’ve been or where I’m going.  I don’t even know where I’m going.  I’ve lost my drive, my dreams, my passion and my way.

It’s not easy for a Christian who has written blogs of encouragement to admit she is struggling so deeply.  It feels quite hypocritical.  I feel like everything I say I stand for has given way to the dark reality of where I’m really at.  I stuff my feelings behind a façade of confidence and strength.  The truth is, I’m crumbling inside and my anxiety is through the roof.  Tonight, I let the tears flow, but most of the time, I stop myself.  I don’t want anyone to see me hurting, but the pain inside of me eats at me all the time and I'm sure that it shows.  I feel I’ve lost touch with God.  I cry out to Him, but I don’t feel like I’m worth hearing.  Even as I type that, I know it’s a lie.  But, somehow that lie has become extremely loud.  

There are so many places I feel like a failure, especially when I use the lens of comparison.  I could elaborate, but that feels a little too raw right now.  I know comparison is the thief of joy and joy is yet another thing I've lost.  I don’t have discipline.  I'm not motivated.  I don’t have structure.  The  list goes on.

Even knowing I’m a child of God, I feel ”less than.”  I hate the things I hear in my head.  I hate that I don’t have the strength and faith to press in to Him.  Oh, me of little faith.  I have faith enough for others, but not for myself. 

It’s hard to even reach out for prayer.  I feel so lost and hopeless.  It’s ironic, isn’t it?  Despite all the writings I’ve published on my blog, I am the last to feel encouraged.  Such a hypocrite.  Such a fraud. 

 Yet, the Spirit says write…..

Here Me, My Daughter.

I AM with you.  You are not as alone as you feel.  You don’t need anyone or anything else but Me.  I AM the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  Stop fighting Me.  Stop trying to “fix, manage and control” everything in your own life and in others’.  That’s not your job.  Your job is to sUrrENDer.  Remember that word?  You’ve been resisting Me for long enough.  You are listening to the wrong voices.  Hear only MY voice.  I AM the one calling to you in the distance.  If you would be still long enough, if you would quiet your mind long enough, and  turn your heart towards Me, you would hear My voice.  Remember, I AM not in the chaos; I AM in the whisper.  Breaking is part of My process.  Yet, you have resisted and it has become more painful that it needs to be.  Why don’t you trust Me?  I AM the only One who is trustworthy and true.  I have the balm to heal your deepest wounds and the scalpel to cut away the hard parts of your heart.  sUrrENDer.  How much longer will you suffer at your own hand?  I desire to heal you, cleanse you, make you new.  I can’t do that if you resist Me. I want ALL of your heart, not just pieces.  What is it that you fear the most?  Give Me that fear.  I have not given you a spirit of fear and timidity, but I have given you a spirit of power, love and a sound mind.  I will not make you do anything, but I ask you to yield yourself to Me.  I have never left you nor forsaken  you.  I AM with you always, in every trial and every triumph.  Do you remember the formula I gave you?  Trust + Obedience = Blessing.  I know you feel your faith is small.  But you know that all I require is a little faith – the size of a mustard seed.  Stop leaning on your own understanding and press into Me for My revelation.  Continue to talk to Me in prayer, bringing Me a spirit of gratitude.  I know that feels insurmountable right now, so find Me in the little things for I AM there, too.  I know you feel like a complete failure, but remember that I can work all things for good for those that love Me.  I know you love Me.  Let Me love you.  I created you for a purpose, for a time such as this and have called you to walk in that purpose.  The enemy wants nothing more than to see you give up.  But, that is not an option. Remember the Scriptures I strung together for you a few years ago? 

“I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me for He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in [your] weakness' because the same Spirit of Him that raised up Jesus from the dead lives in me.”

My Spirit, the Holy Spirit, dwells in you.  He intercedes for you when you don’t know what or how to pray.  He guides you even in your distress.  Let His voice be loudest in your head. Let My voice speak to you from the pages you find hard to read right now.  I will help you focus. . . I just need you to try a little harder.  Release your pain to Me and I will show you how to be free. I will order your days, guide your steps and calm your heart if you let Me.  I stand at the door and knock. . .it’s up to you to let Me in.

 

Even in the depths of despair, God speaks.  When I sat down to write, I had no idea where it would go.  Perhaps it would just be an outlet for my tears, a written release of my pent up emotions.  Perhaps I would write out all the things that are troubling me, causing me to stumble.  In a way, I wanted to just argue with God and tell Him all the things I couldn't stand about myself.

Instead, the Spirit took over and spoke directly to me.  I pray He is speaking to you, too.  May each day bring new revelation and blessings to each of us.  May we seek to love Him with all our hearts, souls and minds.  Above all, let our hearts be receptive to the love He so freely offers us and paid the ultimate price for us to receive.

The Broken Wing Act

It’s been awhile since I’ve written (ok, a long while!).  It’s not that I haven’t had any deep thoughts that might be worth sharing.  I just have been in a weird place.  I’m praying this may be the beginning of coming out of it.

We recently moved to a new house.  A mere three and a half miles from our previous home, you’d think we might have moved to another city.  It’s not because things are unfamiliar. As a matter of fact, our surroundings by and large have not changed.  Our connections for the most part are the same. We might be shopping at a different grocery store location, but we’re still within the confines of the area we have always lived.  Yet, things are different.

Our new home is significantly bigger than the old one.  Sixteen years of memories have given way to the opportunity for new ones.  Of course, we’ve been quarantined during much of this time, but the blessings are springing up all around us.  New neighbors, new home with breathing room (my own space to craft and get away, maybe even write more!) as well as a new view.

At our previous house, the view we preferred was out the back windows.  Fifty acres of land went largely unused for the majority of the time we lived there.  Cows grazed the fields for the first ten or so years, in addition to wildlife such as deer, turkeys, coyotes, racoons, and various types of birds.  The Lord spoke to me often through that view.  And, now, my view has changed.  I now look out the front of my home for the better scenery.

While the house faces a main roadway, the view on the other side is of a beautiful farm, complete with horses and possibly a few cows.  As the front of the house faces west, the sunsets are spectacular.  Yet, as I prepare to share my latest insight, I realize it is not through the greater view that I received my revelation, but rather, the closer, more detailed one – the one right in my front yard.

It was on one of my morning walks with my dogs, I noticed a variety of bird I had never seen before.  It was flailing its wings as if it was injured.  I watched with interest, as did the pups, as this bird flapped its wings and chirped, if that is what you can call it.  I turned to walk away and to my surprise, the bird got up and scurried away on its feet as if nothing was wrong.  I did a double-take, and it was again on the ground, flapping and chirping, until we were a little further out and it hopped back on its feet again.  With my curiosity piqued, I immediately set to researching this bird.  

Of course, it didn’t take long to discover this species of bird is called a Killdeer, named so for the apparent call that sounds like “keel-deer” (although I don’t think it sounds like that at all).  A unique characteristic of this bird is the spectacle I observed called “the wounded bird act.”  As a way to protect its young, the mother bird will draw predators away by putting on this so-called “act.”  Knowing that, I realized just how successful this little creature was at drawing my (and the dogs') attention away from the two little baby birds who happened to have hatched from the nest in my globe blue spruce.  Fascinated, I begun to look for this little bird family each time I left my house, whether to walk the dogs, get the mail or drive somewhere.  I believe I read that the babies need 40 days with their parents before they can fly.  Of course, the number “40” is in and of itself significant in the Bible, but that’s not so much where the Lord drew my focus.  Let me explain.

There are many references in the Bible regarding the protection of the Lord.  I immediately recall Psalm 91:4, which says, “He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection” (NLT).   The imagery we often draw is of a mother bird sheltering her young with her wings, or, as I have observed the killdeer do, completely hide them by using her whole body (she sits on them!).  But, there is another image to which I am drawn while considering the ways God has wired this bird to protect her young.

The goal of the "broken wing" act is to draw the attention of the predator away from the vulnerable babies.  Could it be that the Cross is the very thing that draws our attention away from our own vulnerabilities?  Oftentimes, we are our own worst enemies.  Our flesh wrestles against our spirit. The latter half of Matthew 26:41 tells us to “For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!” (NLT) We focus on our lack, on our past failures, on our strongholds, on our weaknesses and never move forward into victory.  But, if we look to the Cross, and remember that by His stripes we are healed (Isa. 53:5) and that we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony (Rev. 12:11), we can be free.  We look to the Cross for our salvation.  Is it not our focus on our vulnerability that trips us up and keeps us in bondage?  

Because, on the flip side, we know that the enemy's goal to draw our eyes away from our Savior and bring our focus on all the things things we lack and suffer from - what we can't do, what we have done wrong, who we aren't, what and who we have lost.  Hopelessness creeps in and we too easily forget who we are in Christ and all He has done for us and in us.

But, looking for through the lens of the Word, the broken wing act is not an act at all, but rather the truth on which we must stand.  It is Christ’s wounds that reminds the enemy that he has been defeated.  His wounds must remind us of Who He is and who we are in Him.  It is essential for us to remember that the enemy has been defeated. Christ's death drew the enemy's focus away from us and to the Cross, where he thought he had won.  Instead, through Christ's resurrection, the victory is ours as well.

Each day, whether the threat is real or perceived, the momma bird drew my attention away from her precious young.  We, too, must look daily to the Cross to receive our hope and strength to move forward. Our threat is very real, for we not only do we battle ourselves, but the enemy wages war with us as well (Eph. 6:12).

No one said it is easy. The Lord knows I have a lot of work to do in my own life.  This quarantine has been challenging for me and I have struggled to embrace the lessons God is teaching me.  Depression has tried to be my companion during this time of "healthy at home."  Thanks to Momma Killdeer, I think I’m starting to see things a bit differently and each time I watch her feign her broken wing, I will be reminded of Christ and the price He paid for me to live a life where my vulnerabilities are the place where His strength is glorified.  

“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 (NLT)

May the Cross ever draw our eyes away from ourselves and back to the One who gave His life for us.