Even in despair, God speaks.

When I was in the seventh grade, I had terrible writer’s block for an English assignment.  My dad was trying to help me through it and got so frustrated that he had to walk away.  Still, he came back and while I was still mad, he told me that I just needed to start writing and eventually the words would come. His advice has stuck with me through all these years.  And, so, here I am, doing just that - just writing. I don't know where this is going, but thanks for coming along for the ride.

It’s not that I have writer’s block, per se; it’s more like I have “life” block.  I feel stuck.  I feel overwhelmed, depressed and oppressed.  I don’t like who I am, who I’ve been or where I’m going.  I don’t even know where I’m going.  I’ve lost my drive, my dreams, my passion and my way.

It’s not easy for a Christian who has written blogs of encouragement to admit she is struggling so deeply.  It feels quite hypocritical.  I feel like everything I say I stand for has given way to the dark reality of where I’m really at.  I stuff my feelings behind a façade of confidence and strength.  The truth is, I’m crumbling inside and my anxiety is through the roof.  Tonight, I let the tears flow, but most of the time, I stop myself.  I don’t want anyone to see me hurting, but the pain inside of me eats at me all the time and I'm sure that it shows.  I feel I’ve lost touch with God.  I cry out to Him, but I don’t feel like I’m worth hearing.  Even as I type that, I know it’s a lie.  But, somehow that lie has become extremely loud.  

There are so many places I feel like a failure, especially when I use the lens of comparison.  I could elaborate, but that feels a little too raw right now.  I know comparison is the thief of joy and joy is yet another thing I've lost.  I don’t have discipline.  I'm not motivated.  I don’t have structure.  The  list goes on.

Even knowing I’m a child of God, I feel ”less than.”  I hate the things I hear in my head.  I hate that I don’t have the strength and faith to press in to Him.  Oh, me of little faith.  I have faith enough for others, but not for myself. 

It’s hard to even reach out for prayer.  I feel so lost and hopeless.  It’s ironic, isn’t it?  Despite all the writings I’ve published on my blog, I am the last to feel encouraged.  Such a hypocrite.  Such a fraud. 

 Yet, the Spirit says write…..

Here Me, My Daughter.

I AM with you.  You are not as alone as you feel.  You don’t need anyone or anything else but Me.  I AM the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  Stop fighting Me.  Stop trying to “fix, manage and control” everything in your own life and in others’.  That’s not your job.  Your job is to sUrrENDer.  Remember that word?  You’ve been resisting Me for long enough.  You are listening to the wrong voices.  Hear only MY voice.  I AM the one calling to you in the distance.  If you would be still long enough, if you would quiet your mind long enough, and  turn your heart towards Me, you would hear My voice.  Remember, I AM not in the chaos; I AM in the whisper.  Breaking is part of My process.  Yet, you have resisted and it has become more painful that it needs to be.  Why don’t you trust Me?  I AM the only One who is trustworthy and true.  I have the balm to heal your deepest wounds and the scalpel to cut away the hard parts of your heart.  sUrrENDer.  How much longer will you suffer at your own hand?  I desire to heal you, cleanse you, make you new.  I can’t do that if you resist Me. I want ALL of your heart, not just pieces.  What is it that you fear the most?  Give Me that fear.  I have not given you a spirit of fear and timidity, but I have given you a spirit of power, love and a sound mind.  I will not make you do anything, but I ask you to yield yourself to Me.  I have never left you nor forsaken  you.  I AM with you always, in every trial and every triumph.  Do you remember the formula I gave you?  Trust + Obedience = Blessing.  I know you feel your faith is small.  But you know that all I require is a little faith – the size of a mustard seed.  Stop leaning on your own understanding and press into Me for My revelation.  Continue to talk to Me in prayer, bringing Me a spirit of gratitude.  I know that feels insurmountable right now, so find Me in the little things for I AM there, too.  I know you feel like a complete failure, but remember that I can work all things for good for those that love Me.  I know you love Me.  Let Me love you.  I created you for a purpose, for a time such as this and have called you to walk in that purpose.  The enemy wants nothing more than to see you give up.  But, that is not an option. Remember the Scriptures I strung together for you a few years ago? 

“I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me for He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in [your] weakness' because the same Spirit of Him that raised up Jesus from the dead lives in me.”

My Spirit, the Holy Spirit, dwells in you.  He intercedes for you when you don’t know what or how to pray.  He guides you even in your distress.  Let His voice be loudest in your head. Let My voice speak to you from the pages you find hard to read right now.  I will help you focus. . . I just need you to try a little harder.  Release your pain to Me and I will show you how to be free. I will order your days, guide your steps and calm your heart if you let Me.  I stand at the door and knock. . .it’s up to you to let Me in.

 

Even in the depths of despair, God speaks.  When I sat down to write, I had no idea where it would go.  Perhaps it would just be an outlet for my tears, a written release of my pent up emotions.  Perhaps I would write out all the things that are troubling me, causing me to stumble.  In a way, I wanted to just argue with God and tell Him all the things I couldn't stand about myself.

Instead, the Spirit took over and spoke directly to me.  I pray He is speaking to you, too.  May each day bring new revelation and blessings to each of us.  May we seek to love Him with all our hearts, souls and minds.  Above all, let our hearts be receptive to the love He so freely offers us and paid the ultimate price for us to receive.